Located
in the Big Open Lot in the Middle of Nowhere, Juliantis.
-- Musicality: a Musical Journey through Chaos and Carnage --
an Exercise in Constitutional Rights
by Julius Ferraro and Kevin Wyrauch Jr.
Steve: Wadup, dawg?
Steve: Chiiiiiill, Scott.
Steve: Ma name ain’t Scott, yall, it Steve!
Steve: Shut yo man-pleasa, Sean.
Steve: Cummon, G!
Steve: You be wak like a dog be doin yo’ momma, Sam!
Steve: Awwww, dayam…
Cut to opening credits and title. The following words scroll up the screen, and the head of Bob Barker bounces along the
words, like in School House Rock.
The Players:
Julius is played by Mike Tyson
Kevin is played by Bob Saget
Tom is played by Niles from Fraiser
Mike is played by Ben Stein
Kasten is played by Christopher Lloyd
Larry is played by Shaq
Will is played by Robin Williams
Theresa is played by Meg Ryan
Courtney is played by Kate Winslet
Stroobie is played by Elaine from Seinfeld
Steve is played by Wayans Bro. 1
Steve is played by Wayans Bro. 2
Pirolli is played by Christopher Lowell
the Announcer is Bob Barker
Cut to opening credits and title.
Cut to press conference in Juliantis. Assembled around a long, rectangular table are Julius, Kevin, Tom, American President
George Dubbya Bush, Dick Cheney, Bob Costas, and Kareem Ishiwawa, the shaman president of the UAE (United Arab
Emirates).
Costas: We’re here live in Juliantis for a battle of epic proportions.
Tom: Uh… battle?
Dick: My heart…
Julius: BRING IT!
Tom: Oh, fiddlesticks. Julius has a craving for human flesh again…
Costas: As you can see, both sides have been preparing vigorously for this event.
Kareem Ishiwawa: Don’t forget me! I’m the third side!
Costas: That’s right, both sides!
Kareem Ishiwawa: Damn… I’ll show you what the United Arab Emirates can do! Boom-stick power, GO!
A cat walks across the screen. Kareem Ishiwawa pulls out a shotgun and shoots it. It pops off of the stage.
Kevin: Haha! Now that’s a cat-tastophe!
Dubbya: Haha! I don’t get it!
Dick: Umm… my heart hurts…
Kareem Ishiwawa: ARGH! Evil westerners bad jokes! Special boom-stick power, GO!
Kareem Ishiwawa pulls out a purple shotgun and shoots Kevin. He pops backwards and hits the floor. Everyone in the room
laughs, but after a moment Kevin stumbles to his feet.
Kevin: I’m okay!
Everyone but Kev: Awww, damn!
Steve and Steve, from offstage: Dayam!
Song “Being in Charge is Hard to Do” starts.
Song ends.
Julius: I want to eat your baby!
Julius lunges at Dubya and starts gnawing on his ear. Mojo and Mofo storm into the room and pull him out, still attatched to
Dubya’s ear. Everyone sits in the room, sort of confused. Dick falls out of his chair clutching his heart. No one seems to
notice.
Kevin: Haha! That’s a cat-tastrophe! Ouch!
A bandaid appears on Kev’s hand.
Kevin: Hmmm… papercut…
Kareem Ishiwawa: Uh… I hafta go.
Cut to Theresa’s apartment. There are smilie-faces all over everything. She is dancing around and tossing flowers all over
the room. Stroobie and Courtney are sitting on the couch, looking sort of miffed.
Theresa: Wow, I love Spring!
Courtney: … It’s not spring… it’s bloody November.
Theresa: Yes, but I still love SPRING!
Courtney: Bloody hell.
Stroobie: So…
Theresa: La, la la, la la.
Courtney: I need a distraction. Is there anything good on the telly tonight?
Stroobie: My favorite show! Are You Being Gypped!
(This is shameless self-promotion and strategic product placement for AYBG? Watch AYBG. Be a sheep.)
Theresa: YAY! I LOVE this show TOO!
Stroobie: Get OUT!
Stroobie gets up and pushes Theresa out the apartment in a classic Seinfeld fashion. Steve pokes his head in.
Steve: Dayam!
Steve disappears again.
Courtney: Thank bloody hell.
Stroobie: Either you stop saying bloody, or I’m gonna bloody something up.
Courtney: … These stereotypes are starting to get the better of us…
Stroobie: That’s right! Lets sing a song!
Theresa: I love being thrown out of my apartment!
Song “Why don’t you bitch more?” starts.
Song ends.
Theresa: YAY! I love being really really tired!
Fade out. Cut to Mike’s underwater lab. He and Kasten are working on some twisted creation. Larry and Will are
standing there eating Hot Pockets.
(Shameless self-promotion and strategic product-placement for Hot Pockets. Crispy crunchy tender flaky crust.)
Kasten: Our invention is going great!
Mike: We could put Visene Red-Eyes into it to cure those… red eyes. Woooooooowww.
Kasten: … Riiiiight.
Mike: Yup.
Larry: Yo, dawg. You think they be trippin?
Will: Uh… yeah… they be… tripPIN, daw-ag.
Larry: Preach.
Will: Oh, yeah.
Theresa leaps through the door, throwing flowers everywhere.
Theresa: YAY FOR EBONICS!
Larry: She be trippin too, G.
Will: … Don’t make me climb up there and slap you, Shaft.
Mike: That’s not physically possible…
Larry: I’m Shaq.
Will: Shaft.
Larry: Why you little…
Song “Grow up” starts, starring Larry. It should be rap.
Song ends.
Will: I love you, Shaft.
Larry: I love you too, ya short little bastard.
Steve: Awwww, dayam!
They hug. The scene ends. Cut to Julius’ mansion. Julius is walking in, Tom and Kevin following. Pirolli is sitting at Julius’
desk, his feet up. He is on the phone.
Pirolli: … So Martha, I told him that he should just walk out that door… oh, hold on he’s back.
He puts his hand over the speaker part of the phone and stands up.
Pirolli: So how are you, how are things?
Julius: Don’t make me eat your face.
Tom: Oh my.
Kevin: Don’t mind him, he’s had a bad day.
Pirolli: Well, obviously. Gawd. So, anyway Martha…
Julius: I’m going to the kitchen. Have the maid send in a small Vietnamese child and a thing of salt.
Julius exits stage left to the kitchen.
Kevin: Haha! That’s not Vietcong, that’s Viet-cooking! Ouch!
Kevin’s arm suddenly wrenches itself out of its socket and twists the wrong way. Kevin falls to the floor screaming in pain.
Kevin: Oh God, this is the worst pain!
Tom: Oh, my. Is it really?
Kevin stands up.
Kevin: No, it’s actually sling-tastic! Oh, Jesus!
Kevin’s leg twists around his head and he falls onto his side, screaming again.
Tom: Oh, my…
Pirolli: (Into the phone) Oh dear, oh my, I know… oh Martha, I heard. It’s horrible, I know…
We cut to Julius in the kitchen, looking through his cabinets.
Julius: Bam! 3 tablespoons of salt adds extra flavor. Now, to dissect the main dish. Let’s start from the top. Head? Too rough
on the teeth, I think I’ll stuff it and hang it over my couch in the living room.
Pirolli: I HEARD THAT! The Vietnamese color would go TERRIBLE with beige. Oh lord…
Julius: shut up! Now, the torso can go to the orphanage. The limbs are mine!
Song: “I love to eat” starts.
Song ends.
Julius (spoken): I love to eat.
Change scenes to Courtney’s apartment. There are Union Jacks hanging from veritably every wall. There is a poster over
the couch of Tony Blaire, saying “Tony Blaire wants you!” Stroobie and Courtney are entering.
Courtney: Thank bloody God. I couldn’t stand that room with all the smiles all over. They’re making me paranoid, and dizzy.
Theresa: I LOVE SMI—
Stroobie slams the door before Theresa can enter.
Theresa: OUCH! Haha! I love bruises! La, la la, la la…
Her voice fades away as she prances down the corridor.
Stroobie: Oofa. Hey, what’s with the Tony Blaire poster?
Courtney: Inspiration. One day I dream of defending my homelands from the evil American invaders in WWIII.
Stroobie: … Why would you want WWIII?
Courtney: Uh… no comment.
She sits down on the couch and notices a kitchen knife on the coffee table. She stares at it, transfixed. Stroobie looks
worried and sits down on the far end of the couch.
Stroobie: Uh… aren’t I the violent one?
Courtney: … plot hole.
Bob Barker: This plot hole has been brought to you by JuliusandKevarereallyreallybored inc. We hope you enjoyed this plot
hole immensely, as it took very little effort to think of. Be a sheep. Finish reading.
Courtney: Wow, that was weird. How did Bob Barker’s head get in here?
Stroobie: … what?
Courtney: … didn’t you see it? Bob Barker’s head just appeared and said something about a plot hole.
Stroobie: … have you been drinking again?
Courtney: No, yes! I mean, no! I mean… that has nothing to do with it!
Stroobie: … you’re wearing your hip flask…
Courtney: Grrr…
Stroobie: Oh well, lets drop it. What do you want to talk about?
Courtney: Alcohol…um, I mean, today’s Parliament sessions
Stroobie: I’m leaving
Stroobie Exits. Courtney takes out her hip flask and takes a long draw, then falls out of her chair. We cut to the underwater
lab, where Mike, Kasten, Will, and Larry are sitting around a table in classic “That 70’s Show” style, where each gets a few
seconds to put a random blurb on camera.
Mike: Wow, these eye drops really work.
Will: Why do YOU need EYE-drops?
Mike: Dilating my pupils after that acid trip
Kasten: You dumbass, you’re supposed to use the cover-up!
Mike: Right, the “experiment.”
Will: I went on an acid trip once. I got LOST!
Larry: I AM KAZAAM!
Candy starts falling from the sky, like in “Kazaam,” where the kid wishes that candy would fall from the sky, and Kazaam
grants the wish. Kasten opens up a Clark Bar and eats it. Will opens up 45 packs of NERDS and inhales them all at once.
Will: Cr-aaaaaaaaazy!
Kasten: But this isn’t magic, it’s just stuff falling out of that net full of trick-or-treaters we captured and put up there last
Halloween.
Will: Cr-aaaaaaaaaazy!
Larry: Ya! I will… spell you!
Larry makes intricate motions with his hands but it doesn’t do anything.
Larry: … ya…
Steve: That is wack!
Larry: Geeeee…
Mike: Kasten, we need to work on our experiment now.
Will falls out of his chair.
Larry: ya…
Kasten: Maybe if we gave him some eye drops…
Mike: You mean Visene Red-Eyes?
Kasten gets up from his seat and walks over to the test tubes and such. He does a few experiments, then hunches over and
suddenly dons a Transylvanian accent.
Kasten: Master, the experiment. It is finished! Mwa ha ha!
Mike: It’s alive!
Lightning crashes.
Mike: Behold, our creation!
Up from smoke is a silhouette of a short person…the smoke, clears and the face becomes recognizable.
Mike: Ladies, and gentleman, the midget-bot!
The room is silent, as a twisted mockery of humanity stumbles to the floor from the smoke rising from the big cardboard box
it was in.
Mike: Oh, wait, that’s our mutant unborn fetus. Back into the box, Number 345. Now…
He moves over to the next box.
Mike: Behold, our creation!
The creation speaks up.
Creation: Actually, I’m Gary Coleman, biotch.
Writer’s note: For those uninformed on the wonders of 80’s sitcoms, Gary Coleman portrayed a young kid on the show
“Different Strokes.” He was actually around 16-years old, but due to unfortunate diseases he looked much smaller than his age.
Be a sheep. Finish reading…(K.W.)
Kasten: Holy God! Gary Coleman…
Gary Coleman: That’s MR. Coleman to you, cracka…
Kasten: I must say I LOVED Different Strokes.
Mike: Ok, I’m getting 80s vibes here. Bad time, Jordache, Madonna, no Visine Red Eyes. Let’s continue with our plan. We’re
first going to deploy this invention inside of Julius’ palace. He looks like a child, so presumably Julius will want to eat him. But
he contains poison inside of him, which will kill Julius instantly.
Gary Coleman: What’choo talkin ‘bout, Mike?
Kasten: haha! His catch phrase! Still funny!
Gary Coleman: No, seriously. I don’t know what this cracka’ is talkin ‘bout.
Mike: He called me a cracker…. I…. Am…offended.
Larry: Well, we be gotten some Julius-killin’ to be doin, y’all.
Mike: Correct. Let’s go to his mansion. Kasten, bring the robot.
Kasten: Heehee, Gary Coleman.
Gary Coleman: You even think about it and I kick your ass.
Kasten: Think about what? What’choo talkin ‘bout, Gary? Heehee
Gary Coleman: You better send me into Julius’ mansion quick, I’m getting tired of your shit.
Cut to Julius’ apartment. He is sitting at the Kitchen table, reading the Mein Kampf. Duckman knocks on the door and
leaves Gary Coleman on the doorstep. Julius opens the door, picks up Gary, and takes him to the backyard. The next thing we
see is Julius igniting a propane tank.
Black screen with the words
Content edited by the PAX network
in white rocking back and forth, Maple Leaf Rag playing in the background. Then the screen goes white, with the Orkin
Man. He salutes the screen and says: “Have your pets spayed or neutered!”
Cut to Mike’s underwater lab. Mike stands up as Rob enters, making the West-Side symbol. The words “Bling-Bling” are
etched across his shirt.
Mike: Hey, my cracker. What is up, dog?”
Kasten: It didn’t work sir. I can’t believe the grilling took all of the rat poison out of him.
Mike: I can’t believe it didn’t work.
Kasten: There’s only one thing we can do.
Mike: which is…
Kasten: Send a creature so unbelievably horrible in there, that poison is not necessary for us to kill him.
Mike: Who?
Kasten: Hold up, I’m on the phone with Jim Henson Inc.
Mike: No, no way…
Kasten: Miss Piggy is on her way
Mike: Oh…my…God
Cut back to Julius’ mansion. Miss Piggy kicks open the door. Strange considering she’s only two feet three inches tall.
Miss Piggy: Honey, Moi is home! Come get some! It’s the OTHER white meat!
Julius walks in.
Julius: You have been expected. But don’t worry, I have my own plans.
The Swedish Chef walks in after him.
Swedish Chef: Throo zee peeggy oon zee greell! Get zee dresseeng, meke-a zee sooce-a. Hurdy, burdy, gurdy, durdy, BORK!
Miss Piggy: Come get some, Sweedy!
And thus began the long and bloody battle between Miss Piggy and the Sweedish Chef.
Cut to trial. What is this trial for? Well, Julius probably ate someone’s child or something, but that’s beside the point. Julius is
sitting at the stand, and is eyeing the plaintiff hungrily. Kevin and Tom are sitting in the front of the audience. Johnny Cochran is
walking back and forth in front of the judge making elaborate hand motions and talking quickly. Larry and Will are sitting further
back in the audience, jabbering quietly to each other. For some reason, George Dubbya Bush is in the audience too, as well as
Dick Cheney. Pirolli is sitting between them.
Cochran: Why would a wookie, a ten-foot TALL wookie…
Cheney: He’s using the wookie defense. We’ve as good as won.
Cochran: … eat a small child? It doesn’t make sense. And seeing as Julius is not a wookie, he definitely ate that child!
Judge: … Mr. Cochran, you’re defending Mr. Ferraro.
Cochran: … I… see…
Kevin: Haha! That’s a cat-tastrophe! Oh, God, the pain!
Kevin clutches his chest as a loud cracking sound is heard. It seems that his ribs have broken. Fifteen short men in black
coats run in with stretchers. They should be muppets.
Emergency Crew: Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut…
They each knock a person out of a chair and carry the chair out of the room. Fifteen angry people start kicking Kevin in the
head. It should be known that this is for no apparent reason.
Cochran: I don’t get it, our plaintiff ain’t so plain… he’s actually a very colorful figure. Plaintiff ain’t plain, got color on the brain.
Goin’ insane with Julius’ cookin’, got arrested for eatin’ that hookin’…
He starts singing song “Color on the Brain”
Song ends.
Julius: Loss is my mortal enemy. I would like to eat his children.
Judge: But that song made no sense!
Cochran: Yo’ honor is a beautiful man. If I were a gay man, I would want to have sex with yo’ honor.
Judge: Not guilty!
Julius: Woooo…
Cheney: YAY! WOOHOO! HAHA! Ugh… my heart…
Cheney clutches his heart and falls out of his chair. No one notices.
Dubbya: Wooooo-hooo! Raise the barn, hee-doggies!
Tom: Oh dear…
Pirolli stands up and throws off his coat, revealing a feathered boa which he then wraps around his waist sexily.
Steve: Dayam!
Larry: Yup, he be trippin.
Will: SCAT!
Will starts scatting, and Larry harmonizes with low doowop tones. Pirolli harmonizes with higher tones, then starts singing.
A heavy techno beat appears out of nowhere.
Song “My Mommy Wanted a Girl so I Gave Her One” starts.
Song ends.
Everyone looks sort of confused.
Julius: This is a trial. Why are you in here announcing your sexual preference, or lack thereof?
Kevin: Haha! That’s what I call trial and error!
Everyone’s confused again, then someone starts laughing.
Will: Hey, that was actually pretty good.
Steve: Dayam!
Kevin: Haha! Now that’s what I call socks! Oooo, oww!
Kevin grabs at his skull and slumps to the ground.
Will: That’s even funnier! Haha!
Bob Barker’s head appears on the screen again.
Bob: Now let’s cut back to Courtney’s flagrantly British flat, wherein she, Stroobie, and Theresa are kicking back a few lagers
and listening to the steady drone of Barry Manilow.
Stroobie: Oh Barry.
Courtney: I saw him again! I swear, I just saw Bob Barker’s head!
Theresa: I LOVE disembodied heads!
Stroobie: Oh Barry.
Theresa: La, la la, la la…
Theresa looks very spacey. The phone rings, to the lilting tune of the Sine Nomine.
Phone: Doo doo dooooo doooo, PHONE CALL, doo doo dooooo doooooo, PHONE CALL…
Courtney gets up and picks up the phone.
Courtney: Hello? For Theresa? Why the hell are you calling MY bloody flat?!? You should see my bloody phone bill! … Oh,
fine… here she is, bloke.
She hands the phone to Theresa.
Theresa: I LOVE phone calls! HelllllllOOOOOO! What? My uncle’s step-father’s half sister’s dead cat’s previous owner’s
illegitimate bastard son’s parrot died? A fortune? Really? I LOVE fortunes! How much is it? Ooooo, I LOVE zeros! A
catch? Have to stay in his haunted house in a theme park? Lots of ghosts? I LOVE houses with twenty suicided previous
tenants! Sure, we’ll be there in a jiffy! I’ll bring some friends! Buh-bye!
Courtney: I was interested, until that thing about all those people committing suicide… Now I’m bloody ecstatic! Let’s go!
Stroobie: Oh Barry…
Theresa: Come on, Stroobie, let’s go!
Stroobie: Can I bring Barry?
Stroobie indicates the CD, as well as ten full-length posters, two movies she took of him while he was asleep, one she took
while he was in the shower, and
Bob: The rest of this scene was deleted to fit the moral and legal criteria presented to us in the contract signed for the PAX
network.
(This is shameless self-promotion and strategic product placement for the PAX network. Watch PAX. Focus on the
family.)
Cut to the inside of the haunted theme park, outside of the mansion. Courtney and Theresa are at the door with Rob and Pirolli,
trying to find a way in.
Courtney: Where are the others?
Kasten: Julius and them are over there.
They look over to where the broken down TeaCups ride sits. Kevin and Mike are sitting in a teacup, looking expectantly at
Julius as he switches it on and hops in. A horrible rusty grinding noise starts, and it moves about an inch. The three of them
throw up their arms and start screaming YAAAAAAY! Courtney shakes her head.
Kevin: Haha! Now that’s what I call socks! AAAGH!
Kevin is flipped out of the teacup and is ground between them, as they move agonizingly slowly. A shaft of rusty metal is
slowly driven into his leg. His screams tear through the silence as Mike and Julius hop out of the teacup and walk up to the
others. Julius, Mike, Courtney, Stroobie, Theresa, Pirolli, Kasten, Larry, Will, the charred remains of Miss Piggy (as made
under a plea bargain with Jim Henson Inc), Steve, Steve, and Tom stand in the clearing before the haunted Mansion’s vast
double-doors. Julius is walking slowly and concentrating on trying to get the thousands of Scarab beetles off of him.
Julius: Beetles…
Courtney starts as she looks past Tom, seeing something in the darkness.
Things in the shadows: Join usssss… joooing us in our retched existanccccce… word!
Courtney: Ahh! Zombies! And they’re speaking Ebonics… why are they speaking Ebonics?
Stroobie: They’re not zombies! They’re Jehovah’s Witnesses!
Courtney: AAH! Even bloody worse!
Jehovah’s Witnesses: Joooooin ussssss…
Pirolli: I got the door open! Everyone in! … Except you, Julius… you’ve Scarab beetles all over you.
Julius: Beetles are my worst enemies! I will eat your children!
Everyone except Julius rushes into the mansion, and the doors slam shut in his face.
Julius (now being played by stuntman Julius): … shit.
Bob Barker: Julius was eaten alive by the beetles soon after. Thus was the end of Julius. “After these messages, we’ll be riiiight
back (sung).”
Courtney: … what messages?
Kevin: Oh, funny. Courtney doesn’t get it. Haha…
Courtney stops moving, becoming somewhat catatonic.
Evil Voice: You are all going to die here… slowly, one by one. You shall all soon know the terror of death.
Pirolli: Well, yeah, now that Julius is dead we already know the terror of death. Can you pick up the hustle?
Mike and Kevin look at eachother.
Both: Do the Hustle, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun, dun dun dun…
Stroobie: Oh, Barry…
Courtney: OH MY GOD!
Everyone freezes.
Will: … what?
Larry: I AM SHAZAAAM!
Courtney: I have to get Bob Barker!
She runs out of the room and down a hallway.
Stroobie: Courtney, you dropped your stash!
Courtney: What? … No I didn’t… it’s still in my pocket.
Stroobie: Heh, gotcha!
Courtney: Oh… uh, yeah, my stash of powdered sugar, which I use to make my bloody tea.
Kevin: Bloody tea! She’s the murderer! Ouch!
A midget knight dressed like the Black Knight from Holy Grail, with a cape, and the slot for his eyes yields only a shadow,
runs out and lops off Kevin’s legs. The knight then turns into a butterfly and flies away.
Pirolli: Jesus Christ, Superstar!
Kevin’s blood pools around him. Will starts screaming and flailing his arms.
Will: I’m melting, I’m melting!
Bob Barker: Will melts, and thus was the end of Will.
Mike: Well, sucks for Will, but at least we got rid of that Bob Saget guy!
Kevin: I’m still alive!
Mike: Shit.
Tom: Theresa, may I please see those papers from the will?
Theresa: SURE! I LOVE sharing!
Tom: Thank you.
Tom leafs through the papers, then a little droplet of blood appears on his finger.
Tom: Oh dear… a papercut… I’m going to faint, catch me, sweet prince!
Tom collapses, smacking his head against the coffee table.
Bob Barker: Tom died of a brain aneurysm shortly afterwards. And thus was the end of Tom.
Stroobie: Well, at least we know he’s dead. If we didn’t, we might get all emotional and stuff and try to help him.
Pirolli: Yeah. Pft, help.
Mike: Hey, what happened to Steve, and Steve? Where’d they go?
Kevin: Yeah, I thought we were indivisible, but they’re just invisible! Haha! OH GOD, THE BURNING PAIN!
Kevin shits out his ears.
Larry: Ummm…
Kevin: Haha! Did I say burning pain? I meant to say, oh crap! Haha!
A whirling blade shoots out from the wall, misses Kevin, and lops off Larry’s head.
Bob Barker: Larry died shortly after from explosive diarrhea. And thus was the end of Larry.
Theresa: Oh please, now that’s just silly.
Everyone: What?
Theresa: Ummm… I mean… I love death, and silly plots too! Pret-ty.
Thunder strikes.
Theresa: Ummm… pret-ty! I love thunder!
She dashes out the door.
Theresa (from off-stage) : Ooo! I love tall metal poles!
Thunder strikes.
Bob Barker: Theresa died shortly thereafter from extreme joy. And thus was the end of Theresa.
Stroobie: NOOO! I never got to confess my love!
Everyone: What?
Stroobie: Ummm… nothing…
Everyone: …
Kasten: … you must save her. Save her for great justice.
Stroobie: You’re right! … Except for that thing about great justice.
Stroobie runs out the door, lightning strikes.
Bob Barker: Stroobie died shortly thereafter because she was bringing about an annoying plot line. And thus was the end of
Stroobie.
Mike: Kasten?
Kasten: Yeah?
Mike: I don’t want to die a virgin.
Kasten: DEAR SWEET JESUS!
Kasten pulls out a shotgun and shoots Mike in the head. Pirolli takes out some popcorn and shares it with Kevin.
Bob Barker: Mike died shortly thereafter of genital warts. And thus was the end of Mike.
Kasten: I feel so dirty! … can I have some popcorn?
Pirolli: No.
Kasten: AAAAGH!
Kasten shoots himself in the face.
Kevin and Pirolli: Munch munch munch.
Bob Barker: Kasten died shortly thereafter of being shot in the face. Betcha weren’t expecting that one, were you? And thus
was the end of Kasten.
INSERT CONVO ABOUT INTERIOR DECORATING HERE
Courtney rushes into the room.
Courtney: Guys! I found out about Bob Barker! He’s really that Evil Voice! We have to stop him before we all die!
Pirolli: But we were talking interior decorating.
Courtney: What? No time for interior decorating! We have to get out of here!
Courtney indicates the conveniently open door with an escape car outside.
Courtney: Come ON!
Pirolli: There’s always time for interior decorating.
Courtney: But-
Pirolli: NO!
Courtney: We have to-
Pirolli: NOOOOOO!
Courtney starts backing away from Pirolli, who’s looking rather dangerous. He pulls out a rolled up copy of “Martha
Stewart Living” and beats her to death with it.
Bob Barker: Courtney died shortly thereafter from ultraviolet gay-rays. And thu…
Pirolli: Hey!
Bob Barker: DON’T INTERRUPT ME!
A gap appears under Pirolli’s feet and drops him into a hole with spinning blades.
Bob Barker: And as I was going to say before I was so rudely interrupted: And thus was the end of Courtney. Pirolli died
shortly thereafter by being hacked to pieces. And thus was the end of Pirolli.
Kevin: Wow, I’m the last one!
Steve: No you not dawg!
Steve: Dayam!
Steve: Don’t you be dissin’ us.
Kevin: I don’t believe in you!
Steve: AGH!
Steve: AGH!
Bob Barker: Steve and Steve died shortly thereafter by Spontaneous Massive Existence Failure (SMEF). And thus was the end
of Steve and Steve.
Kevin: … Wow, I’m the last one left…
Larry: Wait, I’m not dead yet!
Kevin: Oh, please.
Kevin takes out a handgun and shoots Larry five times in the head.
Kevin: … Wow, I’m the last one left…
A silence follows.
Kevin: THANK you.
Song “Where Did All the Laughter Go” starts.
Song ends.
Song “Why Aren’t I Dead Yet?” starts.
Song ends.
Kevin: Hey, I’m still alive! Now that’s what I call socks!
The foot of God drops down and crushes Kevin.
Bob Barker: Kevin died shortly thereafter from the curse of the Shaman President of the UAE. And thus was the end of Kevin.
And thus was the end of this musical as well. Bob Barker reminding you to help control the pet population, have your kids
spayed or neutered! Goodbye everybody!
THE END
-- Warning: Musicality contains content offensive to anyone below the age of 18, parental guidance is suggested.
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