Okay, I’ve decided to change the nature of this part of the site. It will no longer be a thank-you thing, but an I-pity-you-for-having-no-life-and-too-much-time-on-your-hands. So, I’ll start with the Cabinet, then the A-level staff, then the B-level staff, then the various entities, then the mortuary.
But first, I should mention that everyone involved with the island will be getting new titles. This may seem random, but what with the new age—the Age of Merchandicing—I feel that new titles are in order.
The Cabinet
Me: I’m me. I write this crap. But I’m better than everyone else… just cuz if I said otherwise I’d have to cut my own head off. I’m still President, but I also adopt the title of CEO and Dictator for Life. Just because.
Bryan Pirolli: he doesn’t really do much. He’s the Vice President, so he basically waits around until I die so that he can take over and sink this rock. He’s still Vice President, but is now also Camel Designer.
A-Level Staff
Courtney Bowers: She was the Head of the Boredom Dept., and pretty much spent all her time being… bored, I guess. No one on the island was more bored with her job than her. The only reason she’s still here is because no commercial boat or plane would degenerate itself to land on our shores made of broken glass. Her new title is Mail-Room Clerk. It makes sense, right? Boredom? Mail-room Clerk?
Kevin Wyrauch: He used to be Director of Stupidity. Pretty much, he would just commit massive intellicide every day, and kill off everyone with lower intelligence than himself. He… doesn’t have much to do, really. He’s in Customer Service now, though.
Michael Zalewski: He was actually sort of useless as well. All need for Oddified Animals, which was pretty much his job, ended with the last big revolt. All of the things that might have needed defending have been destroyed by Gimpy Jr. So now he’s our Product Designer!
Tom Sabbatelli: He’d be pretty useful, if not for the fact that no one acknowledges our existence. It’s his job to fix this, as International Relations Bitch, because I don’t feel like dealing with it. So, for that reason, he’s keeping his title. Cuz I don’t feel like dealing with the public.
Catharina Strubinger: She was the head of the underground black market, and my main supplier of happy weed. If anyone contests her stance in A-Level, I’ll have them butchered to death. Because I need my happy weed. Now she’s just a Happy Weed Supplier. She works in the alleys behind the Pink House, selling her happy weed.
B-Level Staff
Larry Dooling: He doesn’t really have a job anymore, after our religion was abolished. But seeing as he’s all butch and killy and possessed by Satan himself, I’ve decided to appoint him the head of the Beat-Down Committee. I don’t want to contest this, though. He’s collecting unemployment, and probably will be for quite a while. Because he has fangs.
Rob Kasten: He’s the Chief of Really Really Bad Stuff and a Wartime Target. So I guess he can be our new Reserve Martyr as well, seeing as we’re playing catch-up and all. He works in the lingerie department
Leet Panda: He’s the editor of the Weekly Spangle, who runs the paper and runs the Smurfs and stuff too. But lately, he’s been forced to do things himself, since all of his smurfs and flying monkeys were put in the Tower of Spangladesh for revolting. Maybe I’ll let them out sometime next millennium. Now he makes fliers!
Wil McCormick: Wil's the manager of the Spangladesh Recovering Alchoholic Jug Band. His only purpose in life. "ummmmmmmm.... I dunno."
Steve Holroyd- I’m… not quite sure what his job is. I think he’s like the head of the happy weed department or something. But I deny his existence because he wears a bag over his head. He doesn’t have a new job, as I can’t at the moment think of his original job.
Steve Bruner: I think he’s the head of smilies or something. I deny his existence as well, because of the bag on his head. Just like the other Steve, he’ll keep his old job, whatever that was.
In The Tower for Treason
Mojo T. Monkey
Mofo T. Monkey
A Super-Intelligent Rock
A Fish
The Color Blue
Mr. Talkie
A Blivit
The Mortuary
Kevin Bushek
Chris Milen
Austin Rochford
Jackie Love
Rachael Krysztoforski
Joe D’Agostino
The halfof the half of the half of the half of the half of the half of the head of Joe Kerns
Ed Wrzesniewski
A Rhino
Gimpy T. Camel
Ted Rielly
Papa Smurf
Brainy Smurf
Joe Gindele
Gimpy T. Camel Jr.
The Great Cheddar Shark
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