7-04-02
Secrets Unveiled:
Earlier this week, Presidential Figurehead Ted Reilly was removed from the intensive care unit and was immediately taken in by Island President Julius Ferraro. Vice President Bryan Pirolli was questioned about just what Julius was doing with Reilly.
“Since Ted’s last period in office,” explained Pirolli, “a lot of things have changed. Julius is basically bashing island protocol into his skull. From the screams, I’d say he’s doing it quite violently.”
Yesterday, Ted was allowed to leave the Pink House for the first time since when he was taken in after recovering, and we were allowed an interview. Until the end it went normally, except for the odd twitch that Ted had received in the Pink House that caused him to shudder violently and shout random statements about Jesus.
However, towards the end of the interview, Ted was questioned about what he feels the purpose the island served to the world.
“Well,” Ted began casually, “I feel that the island serves a very important purpose to the greater picture. Much like Australia did for Great Britain in the early 1900’s.” Stunned by this unexpected response, the reporter questioned further. There was suddenly a great commotion in one of the higher up levels of the Pink House.
“As I’m sure you know,” continued Ted, “in the early 1900’s many countries in Europe sent criminals and such to Australia as punishment, sort of like banishing them. Well, this is sort of the case with Spangladesh and America. Except that we get the crazies.”
At about this point in the interview, a small red dot was leveled on Reilly’s forehead, but he did not notice. “You see, Julius is really a gov—” and right before the eyes of Spangladesh, and directly in front of our reporter, Ted was shot in the head, and fell to the ground. The reporter was stunned, but soon regained his senses and cleared the area.
After this event, Ted’s body was cleared and the area swept for possible clues as to who the perpetrator of such a heinous crime could be, and then the Pink House was closed to visitors.
However, through clever tactics, we were able to get another reporter in unnoticed, through an open window on the fifth floor. Using surreptitiousness he made his way to Julius’ meeting hall, wherein he, Bryan, and International Relations Bitch Tom Sabbatelli were having a pajama party. It was said that Director of Stupidity and Gimpy Mart Head Honcho Kevin Wyrauch was caught peeking in, but such reports could not be confirmed.
Towards the end of the party, when Julius was so drunk that he had stopped trying to drink the beer and simply was attempting to absorb it through his skin, and the others were not too far behind, the reporter was able to eavesdrop on a very revealing… uh, conversation. Yeah, revealing conversation (the following conversation has been dubbed by John Cleese, an Average American Male with 2.5 Children, and a Raving Idiot. For your viewing comprehension).
“So,” said Julius drunkenly, “Ted very nearly screwed us all over, wouldn’t you say, gentlemen?”
“Yeah,” replied Bryan, “if he got through that interview, we’d all be done for.”
“YAAAAAAA! Duh-duh-duh-duh… wha?”
“Oh, jolly good… Thomas doesn’t know. Well, isn’t that just bloody inconvenient. Bryan, you explain it to him, won’t you, old chap?”
“Alright. Tom, basically, Julius was a spy working for the American government and was asked by the president at the time to create a home for crazy people. Just a huge island for all the crazies and stupids of America, all in one spot. Supposedly there’s going to be some cruise missile to wipe us all off the map if things go to far away from the original plan, and Julius has a little bomb shelter under the Pink House just big enough for himself.”
“GAA! Boogly-boogly-boogly-boogly mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aa aa aa… shel-ter.”
“Uh… yeah, that’s it.”
“Bloody shut up, both of you… I heard something, at the door.”
At that point, the reporter was already dashing down the hall. The three drunks stumbled out the door and ambled after the frightened reporter. The man then charged at a window and leapt out, slamming against the plexi-glass and stumbling to the ground. At that moment the three drunk men caught up to him. Julius slid to a stop and tripped over the man’s still form, and was hurtled through the weakened plexi-glass to fall the five floors and land on the soft grass with a thump. Bryan and Tom proceeded to fall asleep next to the man, their thumbs in their mouths.
Julius was rushed to the hospital, muttering something about his spoon being too big. The reporter escaped the Pink House after unlocking the large front doors from the inside.
After Julius has recovered from his coma, he will be tried for treason before the honorable Judge Julius G. Ferraro. Trial results will be posted. A result of Not Guilty is expected.
Links from Gimpy Vice President Pirolli's Spangladesh Page A page dedicated to CAMELS! Welcome to Stroobieland! |  |
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In Other News:
In other news, Joe D’Agostino was brutally mauled by a pack of angry, sleep-deprived gorillas with social disorders while attempting to save Catharina Strubinger from them. Kate snuck out the back way while her “hero” was being masticated by the depressed beasts.
“I’m… sorta sorry,” explained Kate, when questioned about the event. D’Agostino is currently in a coma. The gorillas, who recently joined a group called “Carnivores Anonymous,” are waiting for Joe to recover so that they can express their apologies, as part of step three in the group’s program.
“I enjoy long walks on the beach, picnicking, and mastication,” said Doris T. Gorilla when questioned.
“I enjoy eating people, and I think C.A. is really gay,” commented Bob T. Gorilla, “I’m only doing this for my chick. Oh yeah, and Joe’s left arm tasted good.” On closer examination, Spangladesh doctors discovered that Joe was indeed missing an arm.
More on this in later news broadcasts.
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