5-4-2001

Mafia Confirmed:
Yesterday, on a routine trip to Gimpy Pond, Prime Minister Larry Dooling had a conversation with Spanky, our resident mutant whale and religious figure. After a quick romp, Dooling got on the subject of the missing West Spangladeshian corpses. Spanky offered to look for the bodies, and the Prime Minister obliged. After recovering his stamina, Spanky swam off.
Within minutes, Spanky had found eleven corpse. Dooling took this evidence, and, after loading it onto several pack-rhinos, got it to Head of Beat-Down Committee Edward Wrezniewski. Although already bogged down with another case, Wrezniewski took a short trip around West Spangladesh.
He found there evidence of the elusive Spangladeshian Mafia, including several fat Italian men wielding guns and some "cement shoes" (made out of used Spam cans). Wrezniewski has taken one of the members into custody for questioning, and the rest are in the process of being severely beaten by Deputies Mojo and Mofo (the only monkeys on the Rock.)

The Search Continues:
Reserve martyr Austin Rochford still has not been found. Head of Beat-Down Committee Edward Wrezniewski has been hard on the search for over a week now, aided by Deputies Mojo and Mofo. Leads have led the three out of East Spangladesh and over the Wall. During the aforementioned search for the Mafia, while beating one of the fat Italian Mafia members, Deputy Mojo found something.
One of the members dropped a small note from Rochford, speaking of his whereabouts. Mojo left Mofo to continue the beatings, while he brought the information to Wrezniewski. The two of them headed for the site spoken of on the paper (the actual location is being withheld for now), but no trace of Rochford was present.

The Authorities Speak Up:
Vice President Brian Pirolli received a visit earlier today, bringing bad news. It was from the Authorities, who had a few things to say.
Firstly, they had to speak about our current position as an "island". They stated quite bluntly that this was very wrong. It seems that in order to be an "island", or even an "isle", you need more than one hundred square meters of land. They said that we were what they classified as a "big floating rock", and given the population and status of our nation, a "God-Forsaken Rock."
And this was not the end of their verbal demerits. They also had to speak with Prime Minister Larry Dooling about our "religion". They were going to reduce us to a cult, until they caught sight of our holy corpse. They turned away in disgust, and labeled us as a "Beaten-Down Minority."
These are truly bad times for our Rock. But we have permanently evicted the Authorities, and seeing as we have no telephone wires (or any other electricity to speak of), we doubt they will trouble us much anymore.

5-22-2001

Religion Corrupt?
It has been confirmed, says President Julius Ferraro, that our religion is wholly corrupt. It seems that the dogmas such as good behavior and burning blasphemers have faded into the background, and such doctrines as Mutant Whale sex and laughing at Canadians have been pushed into closer focus. Deputy Mojo of the Beat-Down Committee comments: "Oook. Oo ook ok. Eeeh ook oo ee! EEEEEHK!" These feelings seem to be echoed by Deputy Mofo and other members of the animal kingdom on our island, not to mention Head of Unnatural Addictions Kevin Bushek, who translates Mojos speach as, "I wear pants."
However, while some seem irate at this advance, Prime Minister Larry Dooling seems elated. "This," he said, "puts us ahead of the Catholics by about one thousand years. If things continue on this track, well have a reformation in approximately three and a half hours!" Despite this elation at the idea that our religion might quickly be redeemed, he has taken advantage of this change, by indulging and changing his title from The Prime Minister to The Bushek.

Figurehead elected!
President Julius Ferraro and Vice President Brian Pirolli have chosen a figurehead for their government, a charismatic, yet wholly unintelligent man named Ted Reilly. "It seems," said the VP, "that seeing as Julius and I are blasphemously ugly and mean, the time has come to find a puppet." Mr. President says, "Its not that bad." Ted Reilly, in his news cameo, merely smiled a lot, gave several thumbs-up, and said repeatedly, "Its all good!" while holding one finger to his ear at all times, for reasons yet unknown to the public. The main question, it seems, is whether he will prove to be as good a figurehead as Americas president.
When we brought this question to National Idiot Kevin Wyrauch, he merely said, "We just have to have faith in our government." This idea is to be frowned upon by some, and wholly mocked by others. Our interviewer pointed and laughed.

Gimpy Junior Matures!
Vice President and Camel Breeder Brian Pirolli has released good news to us earlier today, stating that the son of our God and former martyr has grown large enough to start carting large amounts of goods between Spangladesh and the Americas. It seems that the long-time famine will soon be ending, and cannibalism will come to a complete halt (except in some more exclusive social circles). We will have new supplies of goldfish and spam coming in soon, so all will be good. National Idiot Kevin Wyrauch says, "And it was good." This is perhaps the first thing he has said that can be taken seriously, yet some of our more cautious citizens are still holding onto their hoards and stockpiles of the tasty cheddar crackers, and preparing for what could perhaps be harder times.

5-25-2001

Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford Found!
Head of Beat Down Committee Edward Wrezniewski ran across our missing Reserve Martyr two days ago, while working a beat (no pun intended) through the streets of Juliantis. It seems that Rochford had run from the holding cell he had been taking residence in prior to his escape in East Spangladesh. He had fled from E Spangladesh and found his way through the tangled old-growth forests and to West Spangladesh, where he had met with the Mafia, and traded government secrets with them for passage over the Bluer Sea to the great island of Juliantis and its crystal cities.
Thanks to Deputy Mojos lead, we found the Mafia to be linked somehow to the disappearance of Reserve Martyr Rochford. He and Wrezniewski will be commended with full honors for their work in recovering the fugitive tomorrow night. The members of the Mafia all have been taken into custody, and receive random beatings thoughout the day. Lefty, Legs, Bones, Mugsy, and Gloves all went to court last night, and the results will be discussed in further detail in the next article.
As far as Austin Rochford, he will be let off, seeing as we cannot execute him before a crisis. President Julius Ferraro says he will be working on developing a minor crisis in the near future.
This is based on a true story. Honestly. No, really. No names were changed, as no one is innocent. Especially anyone who would let us put their names on this web site.

The Trial of Lefty, Legs, Bones, Mugsy, and Gloves:
Governmental Figurehead Ted Reilly (is that how you spell it?) played judge last night, residing over the cases of the ex-Mafia members who aided Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford in his escape only two weeks ago. Court was cut short, however by Deputy Mofo trying to hump Mugsys leg. This, according to Reilly, implies guilt. They were sentenced to death, both for their crimes concerning Rochford and the death of 12 West Spangladeshians last week.
As a tribute to Head of Beat Down Committee Edward Wrezniewski, it was decided that they would die on the same day that he and Deputy Mojo were honored for the capture of Rochford, which is tomorrow night. The ceremony will take place at Gimpy Pond, and the prisoners will be pushed into the pond and eaten by Spanky, the Spang-Ness Monster.
High Bushek Larry Dooling will reside over the sacrifice, while saying prayers to Gimpy to make the perpetrators burn in the unending fires of hell. Lefty made a comment that it would be a relief after living in Spangladesh all his life, and received a severe beating for his trouble.
After the ceremony, there will be a massive godly orgy with the Mutant Whale. These are good times for our Rock.

Professional SOB Tom Sabbatelli- Promoted:
Former Professional SOB Tom Sabbatelli was promoted earlier this morning to International Relations Bitch, after solving a dispute between two residents of Spangladesh and a couple of angry Canadians by taking out a pulse rifle and blasting all four of them into dog food. After the trial, Sabbatelli gave a thank-you speech to his fellow Spangladeshians:
"My fellow Spangladeshians: I first thank President Ferraro for promoting me. It seems that if you do enough brown-nosing, it eventually works. My first international duty of business is simple: Bomb Russia! Thank you all, and good night." After giving the congregated crowd and news telecasters the proverbial finger, he receded into the palace of Juliantis, and personally cursed the president off.

5-31-00

Plans for Mafia Execution
As of eight days ago, the execution was going to happen as Gimpy Pond seven days ago, along with the awards ceremony for Ed Wrezniewski, the Head of the Spangladeshian Beat Down Committee, and his deputy, Mojo T. Monkey. But five minutes before the ceremony, Prime Bushek Larry Dooling came in and halted the proceedings, saying that he needed more time to prepare. Now, the ceremonies will be tonight, and in an attempt to advertise our religion, will be preceded by a festival, including games, rides, and reenacted book burnings. Afterwards, there will be a large holy orgy with the Mutant Whale, as before planned.

Mutated GAF's???
Sightings of a rare 5-segmented giant amphibious fly have
sparked fear in the citizens of Spangladesh. A local citizen of Spangladesh (name withheld) has reported seeing a GAF, giant amphibious fly, flying overhead. The fly, as seen in the Polaroid (trademark) photo above, has 5 distictive segments, as opposed to the normal 3 segments. The citizen took the picture as he was photographing a naked camel bathing in the pond. Questions as to how this horrible monstrosity came about will be asked shortly. President Julius has reasured the citizens that the fly is nothing more than a mutation, and was not caused by large amounts of pollution and toxic camel feces that were dropped in the slums of city recently, near the GAF's nests.
Some citizens claim that horrible vomitting and diarrhea have sprung up around the dump site, as citizens drink the water where the waste was dumped. President Julius dispelled these rumors by saying, quote "The vomitting and diahrea are nothing more than the result of
umprotected mutant whale sex." Studies will soon conclude what has caused this epidemic of mutated mutant flies and widespread diahrea. More to come on this evolving event.

DISASTER STRIKES GIMPY POND!!!
At five PM earlier today, the Execution Festival began. But instead of going smoothly all the way into the Holy Orgies, the Mutant Whale became hungry. As Mojo T. Monkey was being awarded a metal of honor by President Julius Ferraro, the whale sprung out of the lake and began to devour citizens left and right. In a miraculous feat of courage, VP Bryan Pirolli saved the life of Gimpy Jr., endangering his own in the process.
It seems that three of the five Mafia members have escaped, as well as Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford.
Three people were wounded, five rhinos dead, and Deputy Mojo T. Monkey and President Julius Ferraro are missing and presumed dead. Search parties will go into the Pond tomorrow, during the day, while Dooling has his before-scheduled romp with the Mutant Whale, who is still deemed holy.
The award ceremonies have been delayed to a later date, along with the orgies. "For now," says VP Bryan Pirolli, "we dont even have time to mourn. We need to deal with finding these corpses, as well as quelling the angry mobs." At this moment, he is listening to Brittany Spears and playing with his Barbie Dolls.

Meanwhile, on a wholly other topic, the Holy Corpse of Our God has finally decomposed completely. This, says Prime Bushek Larry Dooling, may be a sign, and if not, it is just a result of natural decomposition. Head of Unnatural Addictions Kevin Bushek says it was a silly thing anyway, and should not be bothered with.
He will be burned at the stake at a later date.

6-8-2001

Rioting Causes Millions of Dollars In Damage:
After the disaster, most of the staff of Spangladesh hid out in the missing Presidents vast estates. Meanwhile, in riot, the enraged Spangladeshian citizens knocked over houses, burned old-growth forests, and even killed rhinos. But Ed and Mofo, in their grief over the apparent loss of Mojo, did nothing to stop them, and even a speech by Bryan Pirolli could not motivate them.
But soon, the riots came to the Staff itself. After tearing through most of beautiful Juliantis, trailing rubble and death behind them, the rioters broke down the gates to the Presidential Estates and proceeded to attack the Staff members with such weapons as guns, knives, big heavy blunt metal thingies and big heavy sharp metal thingies. But most of the Staff escaped on an escape plane.
Results to come next edition.

National Idiot to Begin a TV Show:
Even through the coat of misfortune and bad things, some of us are beginning to look ahead once more.
One of these people is National Idiot Kevin Wyrauch. In a press conference, after firmly denying his giraffage, he began to speak of an upcoming television show he will be starting, about people who do stupid things with money.
He says "it will be interesting, but also expensive. But then, what are your tax dollars for if not this, huh?" With that he gave a great laugh, buckled over with the force of his guffaws, then turned and ran from the resulting gunfire.
Press still confirms that he is a giraffe.

Flags At Half Mast:
Many important lives were lost at the festival, along with the lives of unimportant scumsuckers like you. Among the missing are Jose Querns, the resident M.D. of Assisted Suicide, Deputy Mojo T. Monkey, and President Julius Ferraro.
This is truly a pained event. Now that Jose is missing, people have begun to bring their lives in their own hands, and are beginning to leap off of buildings, only to hit the ground with an unpleasant and painful thump after three feet of falling, or are trying to drown themselves, only to find that this is impossible.
Some have turned to the rediscovered Mafia, of whom Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford is now counted a member. They have been more than obliged to end an occasional life, however, the Staff gets the feeling that this will not end when people stop wanting to die.
More on this story in the next edition.

6-24-2001

Staff In Council:
Since escaping in a private jet, the staff has been holed up in a maximum security building located somewhere on Juliantis. Although our newscasters have not been allowed axcess to this building, news of the proceedings have been released at a steady trickle. It seems that they have concluded that most of the losses and repairations owed the public because of ride accidentsare no longer the responsibility of the Staff of Spangladesh, as per the handing out of Responsibility Transfers handed out after the attractions were ended, and now Canada has become responsible for these accidents.
However, and losses suffered as a result of the attack from the Spang Ness Monster are still the responsibility of the staff. Therefore, an announcement has been released from Vice President Brian Pirolli: "You have officially been screwed by the Staff of Spangladesh. Kudos."
The citizens' reaction to this is not yet known.

Peace Day Today:
Temporary peace has been created due to the declaration of PEACE DAY. VP Pirolli initiated the new day because the rioting and chaos has over-stressed many of the citizens. This day, dedicated to PEACE will consist of a peaceful party at the capital, a general feast, the carving of a great peace sign in a mountain sign (TBD), and a TV special starring the national idiot. Hopefully this holiday will promote peace and an end to all things bad and not good. If nothing else, it will allow the government an extra day to figure out a way to end the chaos.
Updates will follow.

Prime Bushek Larry Dooling Without Guilt:
After a short interview with our religious leader here on Spangladesh, it has been confirmed that the gnome had no knowledge before the incident about the voracious tendancies of the Spang Ness Monster. "In fact," states the Prime Bushek, "I had expected a more lusty welcome from the whale. I had spoken with him before the celebrations, and he had acknowledged the fact that he was not legally aloud to eat anyone. After the massacre, I told him that my lawyers will speak to his lawyers, and had no further contact with him, unless you count last night, and this morning, and that bit of fun right after tea time today. But beside that, I have completely ignored the bloodthirsty bastard.

6-24-2001

Revolts Quelled???
Yesterday morning a speech was delivered by Vice President Bryan Pirolli, in order to quell the violence that insued after the general population discovered that the flyers they signed did not really make canada responsible for their losses. The speech, which has been recorded here, was short and to the point: "You all are kidding yourselves if you think that you are being punished unlawfully or unfairly. For it is known that you have been given nothing but slack since my predecessor claimed these islands and forced you into houses made of excretion, then forbid you jobs in order to keep a caste system going according to hair color. But since then, you have all abused your rights as citizens of Spangladesh. I would think you would spend this time mourning your dead and our dead rather than trying to cause more of it with hand guns, semi-automatics, pointy sticks, swords, big heavy blunt metal thingies and big heavy sharp metal thingies." Thus insued a silence, and but to push the point, the VP followed up with a quote similar to his speech last week: "You have all been screwed by the staff of Spangladesh. Kudos."
They entitled this speech the "Guilt Trip Speech", and it worked much better than thier other ideas, such as "We will raise your dead to kill you", "We will raise our dead to kill you", or "We will raise you, once you are dead, to kill your friends." The overall lack of success until yesterday morning was astounding, but the Guild Trip Speech seems to have worked charms, since no violence has occured since the speech was delivered.
More on the crisis in other articles.

Memorial Day Declared:
A Spangladeshian memorial day was declared for May thirty-first, in memory of the deaths of so many good Spangladeshians, including the President and Deputy Mojo T. Monkey.
A moment for your grief.

Massacres in Pirolliopolis!!!
It seems that our M.D. of Euthanasia, Jose Querns, is still in buisness. He was found to be the source of a series of freak killings today, but was caught before his kill count reached the triple digits. Jose was then questioned, or "interviewed", as VP Bryan Pirolli puts it. This is the information that was tortured (nicely extracted) from him.
It seems that Querns had never made it to the ceremony, and therefore was nowhere near the killings. He had, in fact, been standing in an intersection in Juliantis, waiting for Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford. It seems that Rochford had wanted a quick and painless death from the M.D. instead of following up on his pledge to office- "I, Jose Querns, hereby vow that I will take death as it comes to me in order to aid my nation, whether it comes by hanging, beheading, decapitation, defenestration, smothering, incineration, pre-mortum decay, radiation, or otherwise painful and agonizing death. Huzzah." (all vows end with the holy word). Rochford, however, had never made it to Jose, as he was captured by Head of Beat-Down Committee Edward Wrzesniewski.
Jose supposedly had heard of the threats to the capital and the death of his "beloved" president, and so he had come to East Spangladesh and began to kill off multitudes of humans, rhino's, GAF's, and even a large ape-like hairy creature which claimed to be the missing link. When asked why he killed something so valuable scientifically, the good doctor merely pushed the comment aside and said that he thought it was the Governmental Figurehead. As much as the GF does look like a large ape-like hairy creature which may or may not claim to be the missing link, we have assured him that it is the "weakest link" not the "missing link."
He was released without a trial.

7-06-2001
President Returns
It seems that we have two less statistics in the body count for the so-called Gimp-Ness Disaster. Earlier today, President Julius Ferraro and Deputy Mojo T. Monkey were found almost drowned on the shores of the very pond they were claimed to have disappeared into. Near them were found several small hairy creatures weilding spears, which Governmental Figurehead Ted Rielly claimed were the "children of the devil", and so they were ordered to death by being stepped on repeatedly. When he came to and heard what had happened, Julius called Ted a "stupid brainless git". We are researching what exactly a "git" is.More on this evolving event later on.

President's Pet:
President Julius Ferraro, impressed with the intelligence of Mojo T. Monkey and his partner Mofo, decided to purchase an ape of his own. Mere hours after his recovery he emerged from a pet shop holding his new monkey, who he christened "Spank." Spank the Monkey now lives better than most citizens of Spangladesh, relaxing in his own estate furnished with wooden furniture and newspaper tiling. A "Spank the Monkey" national holiday was declared for this day.

Brain Fart Today:
Due to the overbearing laziness of myself, I can't think of a third article. So, I'm going to discuss an idea I heard today. I heard that if you put fifteen monkeys at fifteen typewriters, you will eventually get the entire works of Shakespeare. I told them to stuff it. But just to prove them wrong, I aquired fifteen monkeys and fifteen typewriters, and placed the monkeys at the typewriters. And it seems I was right, because all I got was a messed up room and a couple of pages of typewriter paper crumpled up and covered in sh!t. Also a broken window and a corpse on my lawn, which I am absolutely sure was there before the fact, because I think I threw him out my window when he told me the thing about the monkeys.

7-14-2001
Special Back Issue
Brought to you from BEYOND THE GRAVE by Head of Economics Dept. Gimpy T. Camel!!!
Who Is This God Person Anyway? And other questions you may have about your faith.
Question #1- Who is this God person anyway?
Answer- God is your maker. God is the person (Julius is your God) that made you. God is the (Julius is your God) greatest person ever. God is the man (Julius is your God). God could kick your sorry ass if (Julius is your God) he wanted too. Worship God. Love God. Bow (Julius is your God) down and worship God.

Special (Julius is your God) HUMOR, brought to you from the friendly blokes Popsicle Sticks, Inc. (Julius is your God)
Love is blind.
God is love
So, God is blind right?
So Ray Charles is God.
(Julius is your God)

Question #2- Why Should I Worship God? (God = Julius)
Answer- Now, think logically. God (Julius) is that big guy up there in the clouds with the huge sandals and the lightning bolts, right? Now, think back to your grade school days...
(Enter Dream Sequence)
Remember that big kid that always gave poundings to people smaller than him if they came within a ten yard radius, and especially if they talked there? Well, God (Julius) is sort of like that. Only, God is a lot bigger. And think about it like this. Prayer is a little like running for your dear life from the big kid from your grade school years. So, when you don't pray, then you move closer to that little ten yard radius. Then, God picks up his huge sandal and lowers it quickly onto your miniscule head, crushing the brains and other vital organs that you undoubtedly need in order to live.
(Exit Dream Sequence)
See? Didn't that help? (Julius is your God).

Question #3- How Can I Appease This God Person?
Answer- Well, I'm glad you asked this question. This is really quite easy. There are several ways. You can always pray, or be a good person, but the way to get a one-way ticket into heaven is this: Take all the money you have and ever will have, and put it into an unmarked envelope. Address that envelope as follows, leaving out anything in parentheses- they're just for subliminal messaging.

Julius Ferraro (He's God, you know...)
6409 Ditman Street
Philadelphia, PA, 19135

Just keep doing this until you die and you will find that you go to heaven. If you don't actually make it to heaven, I will give you a full refund upon complaint.

-Special Correspondent Gimpy T. Camel

The word God is copyrighted and owned by God. Unauthorized use of this word could result in fine of life and imprisonment in hell for infinity.

All my apologies go out to God and all his supporters, evangelists, witnesses, and missionaries.
Also to Ray Charles, although I don't really know if he's alive anymore. But then again, neither is Gimpy.

7-20-2001
An Apology
Okay, so we've had several complaints about last week's Workshop. We're just here to say that we apologize, and all our condolences go out to tumor victims everywhere who might be upset by our…
Oh, wait, this kind of humor is the VERY thing the complaints are about, isn't it?
Okay, sorry, now on to the apology.
First of all, we want to blame everything- and I mean EVERYTHING- on GJ. After all, he wrote the article, right? Second of all-
Oh, wait.
Sorry, more complaints from people claiming that Gimpy Junior doesn't really exist, and that it's really all Julius' fault.
Julius, at this moment, is lying huddled in his bathtub, hoping that it can stand up to the bullets and grenades being hurled at him. Don't ask who's writing this article.
Okay, fine, sorry about that, its apology time, right? No humor in an apology, right?
Okay, so that last workshop was in bad taste, but we swear that there will be NO MORE workshops.
For at least a couple of weeks.
Not good enough for you?
Okay, no more workshops, just a weekly column known as GJ's House of Blood.
That work?
Okay, good.
Okay, now, to ensure that nothing else of the kind happens again, GJ's writing license will be revoked by the National Riting Association (NRA) of Spangladesh.
Okay, so that wasn't very funny either, huh?
Fine
How about this?
Sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell, sheep go to heaven, goats go to hell.
Now that the humor part of this week's update is over, I want to get serious for a bit.
Its sad that you were angry about the abuse to brain going on in the main article, which is no worse than anything you can find on Ren and Stimpy (only they animate it!), but were somewhat amused (or in some cases, buckled over with laughter) with the blatant blaspheming going on in the second article.
Oh well, no hard feelings.
But then, I don't speak for God, do I?
I just claim to be him.
There, that's this week's update, and in the right column I'll place a rather amusing picture of Ray Charles, only because he's a really funny looking guy.

Oh yeah, heh, here's your apology.
We send out heartfelt apologies to anyone at all offended by last weeks article.
We send out heartfelt apologies to anyone at all harmed or sickened by last weeks article.
We send out heartfelt apologies to anyone who threw up or were rushed to the hospital after reading last week's article.
Now, we give you lots of gibberish so that we can fill up lots of stuff with this tiny-type.
Monkey nautical gangrene loser harmful wretch quick fox bird Xavier.
Happenstance, lawful offender looks grape enough.
Verily zebra hops on Debra while eating haven court xyla-ma-phone.

Please don't sue.

7-30-2001

Deny, deny, deny:
Okay, first thing today is to completely and totally DENY all that was said recently in V.P. Bryan Pirolli's gossip column. As a matter of fact, I'll imitate the presidential debates and insult him too :)
First of all, I am not bisexual, and those men that were seen coming out of my room were officers on my payroll. Really. Besides, they were on their way to the VP's room.
But I did hear rumors that Bryan was coming on to Ricky Martin, and had been sighted emerging very sweaty from N'Sync's dressing room. If you ask me, this should be looked into immediately.
And Something About the Monkeys: Oh yeah, and the monkey thing. We're not really monkeys-I mean I'm not really monkeys... I mean...
And Julius isn't stuffed in the closet of this room, with his mouth stuffed and hands and legs bound. Actually, he's standing behind us with his new whip making sure we do his work for him.

Wrapping Up the Elusive Plot Loop:
Okay, now I do really remember the plot loop that going on about a year or two ago, and that probably no one gives half a camel poo about it. But, anyway, I'm gonna wrap it up anyway, because important things happen in it.
But not important enough to have more than one article.
Okay, here's a quick recap:
There was a big celebration for Joe Kerns being caught, and during it the whale went berserk and killed a lot of unimportant extras, and after the attack, Mojo and the President went missing.
The citizens went big metal weapon-happy, and attacked the staff members to avenge their dead friends and family, and the staff members escaped miraculously using their powers as main characters.
Soon after, the president returned with the help of a bunch of little ugly booger-looking lawn dwarf peoples whose name I have forgotten. Presidential Figurehead Ted Reilly then stomped on the little critters, awakening their terrible (tiny)wrath.
That's all that's been in articles up to now. Now here's the stuff that I made up in drug-induced haze five minutes ago (not really).
So between them and the blood-thirsty citizens, a big ol' war started, in which the staff was pinned in the middle in a tiny building which only survived 'cause main characters were in it. Then, even after all the little critters had been stomped on, they still needed to satisfy their citizens, and they did so by promptly flinging Ted off of the building.
Since then, things have been just peachy.
The cow says moooooo.

8-24-2001

The Pink House:
Plans for the new governmental house to be built have been revealed to one of our special correspondents. It seems to be similar in design to the White House in America, with two stories and several hundred underground floors, which will feature a full-sized theme park and decked out spa, as well as many other luxuries, such as a petting zoo.
The one main difference is the color. Unlike the White House, this soon-to-be symbol of our nation will be colored almost completely in pink.
The president, of course, has no idea about these plans as of yet.
They were written up by Vice President Bryan Pirolli and resident Sexy Bitch Jackie Love, and the color was mainly Bryan’s idea.
Some additional features of the house will be housing for many of the A and B level Staff members, as well as a full-length Britney Spears poster over the president’s bed.
This, also, he does not know about.

Mafia Active:
Yesterday, a dastardly (and pathetic) attempt at the president’s life was made.
He was found floating at the top of Lake Spangle on two large cement blocks that were attached to his feet. It seems that the blocks were custom ordered from Amazon.Com—Earth’s Biggest Selection—and in their haste, the assassins left the foam blocks from the box on them.
This brutal attack was blamed immediately on the Mafia, who are always the usual contenders for taking people’s lives. This one was blamed specifically on Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford, who recently joined their ranks after escaping (for the second time) from the requirements of his chosen job. The reason he was blamed was not because of his hate for the president, but mainly because of his stupidity.
A search has been ordered, and a price was placed on his head. Authorities expect that soon he will be caught, despite the nature of the Mafia not to be caught, because he is not even an overweight Italian man.
More news on this evolving subject later.

Black Market—Real or Fake?
Recently, some illegal or stolen items have been found in possession of otherwise trustworthy citizens.
Head of Beat Down Committee agrees with other officials that this is the sign of an underground Black Market, but seeing as there is no concrete proof, he sent his deputies undercover, searching for the source of these fenced goods.
Deputy Mojo T. Monkey, assisted by Deputy Mofo T. Monkey took in three different suspects for the ringleader of this illegal operation. One was a newer citizen, known as Catharina Strubinger, and is the leading suspect. The other two suspects are large Italian man and an unborn rhino fetus. The mother is facing charges until she gives birth.
But during the trial, the President eagerly pointed out that there was no concrete evidence against any of them, so they were let off. After the trial, Julius was seen in a conference with Kate. He drove away wearing a new watch.

God Has… Given Up:
Recently, Prime Minister Larry Dooling has been getting mixed readings from his prayer block, a small, square, metal object used for predicting our God’s thoughts and feelings.
And yesterday, the readings just halted altogether. It seems that before, God had had hopes of our spiritual revival. But recent events seemed to have crushed any hopes left in our God’s heart.
Then today, the visage of our dead camel God’s corpse appeared to Larry, bringing tidings of the end of the world, of the reckoning, and even worse, of yet another season of the X-Files. Shocked and appalled by these messages, Larry and Vice President Bryan Pirolli made their way quickly to the nearest bar.
Gimpy joined them.

B Level Staff-
Due to recent increasing in the population of our island, President Julius Ferraro decided to allow B Level Staff into the government. So far, three have been initiated, and given titles. Here they are in no real order.

First there is Michael Zalewski, who is one of the president’s two yes-men and also the official Animal Oddifier. He will be in charge of agreeing with the president and mutating animals in order to fit their environment (Eat your heart out, Charles Darwin).

Second is Courtney Bowers, who is the second yes-man, and is the Head of the National Boredom Department. This is only a trial Dept, so Courtney may be moved soon.
And last but not least is Jackie Love, who is now the resident Sexy Bitch. She pretty much just stands there and looks cool.
Expect some more additions to the B Level Staff, and hopefully we will have a good amount within a few weeks.

A STUPID UPDATE-
Hello my fellow citizens.
The good graces of President Julius have let me write a small article about my recent whereabouts. Well first I must say that the short-lived “National Idiot Show” came to an abrupt end after one episode. This is because of only 1 television tuned into the program, Tom’s parents, seeing him in a chicken suit made them “very disappointed” says his father. I realized we had a shorter run than the Magic Johnson Hour. Very sad, indeed. But brighter things are on the horizon.
I recently paid a visit to Atlanta, where I realized that there ARE worse places on this God-forsaken earth than Spangledesh. And mutant icees DO NOT reside in our nation, thank you very much.
So in the upcoming weeks I will revise my webpage and organize some sing-alongs headed by our favorite pop star duo, Nelly Furtado and Bryan Pirolli. President Julius will get some pies in the face, Tom Sabbatelli will be shown administering CPR to Dick Cheney as a sign of International goodwill. So for now, keep the stupidity going, and LONG LIVE WEEZER!
- Special Correspondent Kevin Wyrauch

Religious Depression:
It seems lately that with the coming of the end of our religion, some drastic changes are occurring, besides a general depletion of faith in the once-gung-ho members of our religion.
Such as the Mutant Whale of the Spang-Ness Lake. Recently, he has found it difficult to get it up when in the company of both men and women, and even when with Prime Bushek Larry Dooling. He spends most of his time lying about on his back all day, floating at the surface of the water. Larry and Animal Oddifier Michael Zalewski both agree that this is natural behavior in whales when they lose their faith, and that Spanky is in no way dead.
Even Larry Dooling has changed. Lately he has been seen to be wearing all black, and paling his face with makeup, and wearing eye shadow, and our sources say that last night he slept in a coffin. Some evidence of sacrificed animals have been found on the premises of his large estate, and he has been spied pouring over large, black, leather-bound tomes and incanting in strange languages. Once questioned on these strange new hobbies he developed, his eyes rolled back into his head and he shouted in a voice too deep to be his, “I am the child of Satan. Leave my host body be!”
This has been explained by President Julius Ferraro as, “It’s just a phase.” Others blame it on “teen angst” However, others seem to be more upset by these strange, newly-developed quirks. Such as the person who questioned Prime Bushek Larry Dooling, who soon afterwards fell under the spell of an ancient Egyptian curse, and was eaten by scarab beetles.
This, however, was not even attempted at explaining.

New Military Weapon:
Some of our reporters have sent back word about a new weapon sighted in training at the government building. Actual description of the creature is classified, but we can tell you it is called a Giflontor—GiraFfe, LiON, rapTOR.
It was supposedly engineered by Official Animal Oddifier Michael Zalewski, and is a living creature evolved from three dangerous creatures in order to be the president’s thug and the army’s front line.
More information about this creature’s training will be released regularly, as this is an event that is important to us Spangladeshians, and an issue to be followed by the most politically aware of us.

Alien Attacks-
Recently, some rhinos native to the island have been coming to me, complaining about sightings of large flying saucers shooting through the sky and fire-bombing their fields. “This,” said the president, “is not REALLY a problem until they kill a citizen that pays taxes.” Once Julius found out that no one was really paying taxes except for the aliens, Julius revised his earlier statement. “It seems that our firebombing aliens are really not doing any damage, and in fact are quite good for business. So, if you are in any way uncomfortable with having your house blown up, either pay taxes or leave.”
Things, for once, almost started going well for the president, and people almost started paying their taxes, but then the aliens developed a fatal allergy to the color blue which caused their faces to splatter like ripe tomatoes.
Nonetheless, this abrupt and unforeseen ending to government funding has caused three stock market crashes and two great depressions, all in the last twenty-four hours. President Julius has issued a law ending all usage of the color blue in anything, punishable by death, in hopes that this will project a message of good will to any passing aliens, so that they come next time just with taxes, and not with firebombs.

9-02-2001

Hey hey hey, i know that this one's late again, but my excuse (there always is an excuse, lame as it may be...) is below. I swear I was high when i wrote this...
By the way, 300 hundred hits yesterday!! I'm so proud of us and our site, and I'm ashamed to live in a country where over three hundred people will visit a site like this... anyway... I also updated the About The Peoples part of the site. Check it out AFTER you read today's update. Thanx.
By the way, check out Kevin Wyrauch’s National Idiot Page in the alternate pages part of the website, he updated it recently, and its definately worth a look.

Another Fscking Apology:
First thing today, I’d like to apologize (again) for not updating when I should have. But this time I have an excuse, I swear!!
These past few day’s I’ve been facing criminal charges for stealing a Britney Spears poster for Bryan Pirolli from my local Spangladeshian Seven 11. No, really.
I know this sounds weird, but the old guy running the store wouldn’t let me have the one off the window, so I kicked his walked out from under him and took the poster and ran. After the cops started shooting I stuffed Britney under my jacket, but she got injured anyways and Pirolli said he wasn’t satisfied, and squealed on me.
So, the cops came to my house and took me away, and I was tried for Grand Theft Britney. But there was this big nice guy in my cell called Mack who showed me the ropes and tucked me in at night and stuff, so all was good.
I got out of court quickly however because I was the judge.

Staff Promotions:
Recently, after a short inspection, we have decided to move things around a bit in the Pink House, just for a while to see how they work out.
For one thing, I would like to reward Animal Oddifier Michael Zalewski with a promotion into A-Level Staff, for his great work in office, going above and beyond yadda yadda yakkity yak yak.
Second, I would like to reduce the amount of members present in A-Level Staff positions and increase those in the B-Level. For this purpose, I would like to drop down Larry Dooling because his position is worthless now seeing as God has given up on us and the apocalypse is impending… Next, I’m taking down Reserve Martyr Austin Rochford and Joe D’Agistino, because they’re on the run and not really important anyway. Next, I’m going to drop Ted Rielly… well, because he’s dead… he’s going to exist in a mortuary now, because he doesn’t even deserve a part in B-Level. Next, I’m dropping Joe Kerns for no other reason than because it will piss him off and he can’t say anything because he pretends not to like this island anyway—mwa ha ha!
Sorry about that.
Next, I’m going to announce the swearing-in of a new member of our B-Level Staff, Rachael Krysztoforski, who, on account of all the jobs being filled, will be a squatter in the Pink House. For those of you who don’t know what a squatter is (durr durr), that’s a hobo who stays in someone they don’t know’s house.
Shit, now I’m gonna have to update the Staff page.

Tracking the Fugitive:
Recently, because he pissed me off, and because I couldn’t think of a quality third article, I have decided to seek out the life of the killer of Gimpy, Joe D’Agistino. As I said before, no particular reason… its just that he pissed me off.
And, I won’t be enlisting the aid of any others, it will just be me, and him. *cough*andahighpoweredrocket launcherandateamofbloodthirstydogs*cough*. Excuse me.
Anyways, during my trek I’m putting Bryan Pi—no, he put me in jail… Kevin—wait, the Pink House wouldn’t be there when I got back (ha ha a funny get it ha ha)… Ed Wre—no, not even gonna suggest it… okay, I’m putting a monkey in charge. Mojo T. Monkey will be in charge because he’s the smartest one there.
And should I never return, then tell all my illegitimate bastard children I love them. Hee hee another funny get it?

BONUS EXTRA ARTICLE!!!
Here’s your bonus extra article, for me missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this. Here’s your bonus extra article, for missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this. Here’s your bonus extra article, for me missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this. Here’s your bonus extra article, for missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this. Here’s your bonus extra article, for me missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this. Here’s your bonus extra article, for missing my deadline yet again. From now on every time I miss a deadline I’ll give you an article like this.
Gawd, aren’t you lucky?

P.S. SLARTIBARTFAST LIVES!!! YEAH!!
Heh, this is some good stuff.

9-09-2001

Selling Out:
It seems we've been running low on cash lately, and they're cracking down on Grand Theft Auto in America, so we're going to have to get ourselves sponsored.
So, we're having advertisements this week in the Weekly Spangle, and two really weak actual articles.
This is one of those articles.

And Here's the Status:
Okay, here's where I tell you what's going on with all the members of our staff. A lot of things have happened since we started up, so I'd just like to let everyone know what's going on right now.
First of all, there's me. I'm on a quest to find the killer of Gimpy, or at least the guy we framed for it. So I'm wandering around somewhere, just the wilderness, Joe D'Agistino, and me (armed with a rocket launcher and a team of blood hounds).
Then there's Vice President Bryan Pirolli. He's currently coming to terms with the fact that he will never, ever get a Britney Spears display box, and is currently in rehab for his condition.
Kevin Wyrauch has entered a cocoon. It seems that he wasn't satisfied with life as a giraffe and is currently metamorphosing back into human. Heh, wait until he finds out he's gonna be a butterfly...
Ooo, am I joking, or aren't I? You'll never know, mwa ha ha!
At least until next update.
Then Michael Zalewski. He's locked himself into his lab. It seems that he's gone into "mad scientist" mode, and isn't going to emerge until he creates something that will take over the world.
Oh well, sucks fer you.
Edward Wrzesniewski has been exiled from the country for blocking me online, the bastard. He's currently requesting amnesty, but I don't think I'll grant it. Mwa ha ha.
Tom Sabbatelli has been in Germany for... almost four months now, or more... gee, I wonder why he'd want to be away from Spangladesh for so long...
Chris Milen is working on training our new top-secret biological weapon. Supposedly it's the Giflontor, but I didn't say that.
Kevin Bushek is in a mental institution... not that he ever HASN'T been in one.
Austin Rochford is on the run. We don't need him back yet because we don't need to kill anyone yet. He's running with the Mafia... actually, come to think of it, we'd probably be better off without him for now...
Joe Kerns is unemployed. He doesn't have a job because people have taken suicide into their own hands recently, because of the recent drop in economy.
I think he's plotting my death, but all those assassin guys visiting him every night could just be drinking buddies.
Larry Dooling is also without a job, because Gimpy, our God, has forsaken us. He's taking this okay, but the devil possessing him is throwing nightly keg parties in celebration of the coming apocalypse.
Joe D'Agistino's been on the run for a long time. Just recently I've decided to go after him, to offer the ultimate punishment-he will be Jackie's slave.
The rest of them just joined, and aren't really doing anything.
Besides, I'm getting tired of writing so I think I'm gonna stop now.

We'll Be Right Back, After a Word From Our Sponsors:
Dream Big
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Subscribe to O, the Oprah Magazine!! Click Here

How does Gimpy T. Camel eat a Reese's?
How DOES Gimpy T. Camel eat a Reese's... Nutrageous Bar...
I'm sorry about this guys, but we're sorta low-budget so we can't actually use real Reese's peanut butter cups... not that we paid for this or anything... we don't pay for anything, except sometimes goldfish if we're running too low.
So, anyway...
How does Gimpy T. Camel eat a Reese's ::coughnutrageousbarcough::?
The answer is he doesn't. He's dead.
There's no wrong way not to eat a Reese's ::coughnutrageousbarcough::
Click Here

10-09-2001

Explanation:
Yo, everyone.
I’m back from my brief—one, count ‘em, one month—hiatus. I know that it’s exactly one month, which is sort of freaky, but I didn’t do that on purpose.
Its because of… of… my… um… my birthday.
I swear.
Actually, its really because I’m lazy
But I do have a birthday coming up, in two days. Yes, October 11th, 1985, the coming of the great evil--- otherwise known as myself--- on which I plan to have some rising dead and a few plagues, you know, all the standard stuff. I plan to have a grand old time.
Well, for now, I just want to say that since I have a valid explanation, you can call off your hoards and riots, and give me presents!!!
Anyone that gives me something gets to give me birthday punches, but it has to be something good.
Okay, enough ranting. On with the update.

Travel Journal:
As you know, over a month ago I departed on a journey to track down the killer of Gimpy, because he pissed me off again.
I forget why, and seeing as he gave me starburst I should have called it off.
But I like the idea of making him Official Jackie’s Bitch, so I kept at it.
But I digress.
Anyway, I went on a trip to find Joe D’Agistino to make him face punishment for pissing me off—I mean, killing Gimpy—armed only with my wits*. When I retrieved him, the idea was to make him pay by making him Official Jackie’s Bitch, mainly because she can be pretty ruthless and it would be a lot of fun.
So, anyway, for the next six days I’ll be inserting little updates, which will be inserts from my travel journal. We’ll all have good fun, and I’ll have lots of time to make fun of Joe, and have him get mauled and stuff over
And over
And over
Again.
Ta-ta for now,
-Explorer Extraordinary, Julius Ferraro

Evil Scary Stuff:
And thus, from the skies rained fire, and the seas were as blood. Locusts tore upon dying flesh, and everyone was rather unpleasant for a while afterwards.
Maybe it was because of the boils, or the rampant disease, but there wasn’t a smile among the bunch.
Well, that’s not quite what happened on the island, but for the past thirteen days there have been some daily plagues. Nothing really life-threatening, but sort of embarrassing and really emasculating… I really don’t want to talk about it. For the next six days, there will be live coverage of any coming plagues, so that you know whether you should be dying from a plague of tes—I mean, the mumps.
-That Acursed Julius Kid

10-15-01, NEWS FLASH:
As per recent rebellious threats issued by Sexy Bitch Jackie Love and M.D. of Assisted Suicide Joe Kerns, President Julius Ferraro took immediate action against these two insurrectionists.
The original action decided upon by Ferraro was a yet undecided amount of time in the tower of Juliantis, but Joe proceeded in daring the president to behead him, then called him gay.
So, he was executed along with Brainy Smurf and Papa Smurf at sunrise this morning.
Jackie, however, is currently imprisoned high up in the tower of Juliantis.
President Ferraro wants his people to know he will have zero tolerance for acts of rebellious nature against his dictatorship.
However, as a result of Jackie’s being imprisoned, Joe D’Agistino was released from bondage and fully pardoned by the state. He was given the freedom to decide upon the career of his choice, and chose male modeling.
He is now also imprisoned in the tower of Juliantis.

EXTRA:
After long employment as the National Idiot and Kid to be Pointed and Laughed At, Kevin Wyrauch has taken it upon himself to shift his previous station to Director of Stoopidity, after deciding that the world should be rid of idiots forever.
Vice President Bryan Pirolli commented on this, saying “as long as he has nothing against gays… I mean Martha Stewart.” Tom Sabbatelli agreed with him.
The president told Tom to shut up, then proceeded to throw a temper tantrum and slam his door a lot. This behavior is thought to be caused by the President’s dropping popularity after becoming evil. “He just wants some extra attention,” says the disembodied head of Joe Kerns, who has pulled his life together, gone to rehabilitation at DHA (Disembodied Heads Anonymous), and become a psychiatrist. All in the past four and a half hours.
“You can’t have your cake and eat it too,” comments Wyrauch, who was then laughed at. It seems that his job hasn’t changed much, except maybe for all those camps filled with idiots.

-Special Correspondant Leet Panda

10-16-01, Conspiracy!!!

The bold black word emblazens the front page of newspapers across the island today!! The president has made no comments on the rebellion since his speech yesterday, and after receiving new information from spy flying rats (flrats-- they’re typically used for germ warfare, but in this case they can also be used as intelligence operatives)… most of it had to do with Tom Sabbatelli, the suspected leader of the rebellion, going into his room with men.
But, that has nothing to do with this.
The only thing that the president has said to the press since his speech was a brief apology stating that Sabbatelli in fact did not insult the vice president, but that comment had been made by Kevin Wyrauch. Tom just laughed.
“That’s okay,” said the president gruffly, “it’ll be the last time I defend the pride of Pirolli,” hinting that he believes that even his vice president has something to do with this most dastardly of plots.
The president, as I said, spent most of his day in his conference room with Leet Panda, editor of the Weekly Spangle, and various other members of staff. Even Tom Sabbatelli himself was seen leaving the conference room earlier this morning, which suggests that perhaps the president was trying to get a look at his opponent’s cards.
The reports given by the flying monkeys—who followed Staff Members Tom Sabbatelli, Rob Kasten, the disembodied head of Joe Kerns, Kevin Wyrauch—but only after hearing that he had blasphemed the name of the vice president—and even the vice president himself, “on a hunch,” laments the president. It seems that he found out more than he wanted to.
Rob Kasten and Joe Kerns spent much of the day in conference with Tom Sabbatelli, while Wyrauch completed his duties as Director of Stoopidity on the island with speed so he could get to his more personal project of eradicating idiots from the world. The president sent out a formal apology to the newly appointed Director of Stoopidity for his lack of trust, saying that he was only protecting his vice president—nothing personal at all.
After speaking shortly with Rachael Krystoforski today, she herself gave up to me the damning evidence that it was, in fact, a conspiracy, by saying that “Tom’s already got me on his side.” Bad times for misplaced trust, it seems.
Ed Wrezniewski, also, was in meeting with Tom today. His integrity is at question also. His deputies, Mojo and Mofo Mokey, who are loyal first to the president, were taken from their beats today and brought into conference with the president.
The president promises a speech when more on this evolving story is known to him and to the public. We ourselves will keep you posted on matters as they come to our attention.
-Special Correspondent Vanity Smurf

10-17-01, Turnabout:
Unity in Spangladesh has finally been achieved, as the coming of a new common enemy has wiped the slate clean between President Julius Ferraro and International Relations Bitch Tom Sabbatelli. It seems that in favor of beating the cowardly Kevin Wyrauch to death with whiffle bats and moist sponges, they have decided to come to a quick treaty.
The rebels would swear their allegiance again, if Ferraro would renounce his evil and release all prisoners of war. This includes: Michael Zalewski—who was taken prisoner last night after his labs and home were firebombed—and Jackie Love. Both were restored to full health after their bouts of smallpox and malnutrition, and are back to their duties full-time.
The once-more united cabinet (Julius and Bryan) had more work on their hands as well.
First of all, Rob Kasten, an illegal immigrant working in the office of Tom Sabbatelli, was granted citizenship today, after a full background check and herpes check. More information on this will surely be found on Tom Sabbatelli’s web site.
Another person working under Sabbatelli, Bob Mclaren, was deported earlier today, after being discovered by the government. His partner, Steve Bruner, is still at large.
Next, moves to discover Kevin Wyrauch were begun. After hearing a lead about him perhaps still being in Spangladesh, and the person on his escape raft just being a dummy, the cabinet dispatched monkey shock troops to his office immediately. Inside, they found only his two secretaries, Steve Holoroyd, who was beaten almost to death and taken into custody, and Dave Young, who in a crazy attempt to escape was accidentally shot in the back… thirteen times… and thrown off the side of the island. He is presumed dead.
After finding no traces of Wyrauch but several recorded transmissions describing his coordinates, a fleet of flrats armed with herpes were dispatched immediately to find him. Rumor states that also a fleet of ten Dolots were sent to back them up.
For now, there is peace in Spangladesh. The president is taking this time to take stock of the situation. A direct quote from earlier today states: “I need to discuss with the cabinet the induction of a few new members to the island. I know that this is risky to my own position, but I have to do what I think is helpful for my island. Also, I need to reconsider who I let into my inner circle. Nothing like this will be allowed to happen again.”
Our reporters do not know whether he is talking about the revolt, or the cowardice of Wyrauch, or both, but they do know that he means business.
-Special Correspondent Smurfette



10-14-01

Hmmm…
It seems like I was having a bad day back on Tuesday.
Oh well, I think I’ll leave all that behind me in favor of continuing with the site and the news. Besides, it seems that even if I wanted to, I couldn’t stay on any sort of extended hiatus, because its hard to protect your office from treasonous members of Staff when you aren’t even on the island…

Treason:
From the speech given by President Julius Ferraro—
“My trust and office have been attacked for the first time since the start of the island, and hopefully for the last.
It seems that we’ve got a rebel among us. International Relations Bitch Tom Sabbatelli has bitten the hand that feeds him for the last time. In this most recent week, he not only did he take over the Prairie Dog Hunting League (PDHL)-- which, due to its sudden burst of popularity on Spangladesh (attributed to its being the first league sport on the island ever), I claim to be my idea completely-- but he has brought of his own accord another Staff Member onto the island, and gave him powers under his own-- the first indication of an upstart rising dictator. In addition to these insidious crimes, he has been speaking out against myself and VP Bryan Pirolli, attacking our character crying "tree-hugger" and "imperialist depressionist bastard", and even worse threatening our power and station, crying "impeachment!"
I am going to take immediate action against this criminal, before he influences your weak and impressionable peon minds, and makes himself into a modern Robin Hood.
He was a part of my First-Level-Staff, an area reserved for only my most trusted attendants. His assault on my trust and vieings for my position hurts me in the deepest way, and he will now, by my power, be reduced to Second-Level-Staff, and stripped of any special rankings previously granted him.
For the sake of once-friendship, however, I will refrain from taking Tom to court for actions criminal and will let him off easy back at square one. In his place at A-Level I will promote Courtney Bowers. Mainly because she's doing a real good job as yes-man, and takes a lot of abuse and deserves some recognition.”

Staff Profile:
Here’s your random staff member profile of the week-
Prime Bushek Larry Dooling.
Larry, when last spoken of in the Weekly Spangle on 09-09-01, was possessed by the son of Lucifer, and sacrificing people and stuff like that.
These behaviors were passed as wholly legal by the President, after turning evil himself.
It seems that sacrificing peons and the occasional smurf at the temple of evilness doesn’t hurt the economy too much, except that importing cheap smurf labor costs a lot.
So, he still labors on for his dark lord, hoping always for the coming of Gimpy again to the world. And thus, he continues into the dark age of Spangladesh…
Actually, he’s one of the leading causes for the dark ages of Spangladesh.

“How could someone so short be so evil?”
-International Relations Bitch Tom Sabbatelli

Evil Dictatorship:
“I don’t know if this is a good idea,” stated Vice President Bryan Pirolli, “most people probably won’t go for it. It probably won’t even make it past congress.”
“Since when do we have a congress?” replied President Julius Ferraro.
“True,” said Pirolli. He then went back to trying on prom dresses.
Ferraro then donned an all-black robe and began to flip through his new book, “Evil-Dictatorship for Dummies.”
Disturbed by this strange behavior, newspaper editor Leet Panda sent two newly employed newspaper writers to get an interview.
Thier beheadings will transpire sunrise on Monday.
But they did happen to get a short interview before incurring his wrath. This is how it went.
Papa Smurf- Mr. President, we would like to have a word with you.
Brainy Smurf- An audience, if you will.
President- What is it now? (still walking toward a temple of evilness at the east end of Juliantis)
PS- We would like to talk about your newfound evilness
BS- ... My butt hurts.
P- (ignoring BS) It's only a career move.
PS- 'Scuse?
P- stopping, turning to smurfs) Evil Dictatorship. It's really only a career move for me.
BS- (rubbing his butt) My butt really hurts.
PS- (ignoring BS) How's that?
P- You see, it's like this. Evil looks really good on your resume, and bullying is a very desirable skill in the job I'm looking into after blowing this island to hell.
PS- Wow, how insidious of you. P- (starting toward evilness temple again) I know, isn't it great?
BS- (rubbing butt) Even when I do this, it hurts. Leet Panda is really—
PS- What did you say that job is you were looking into?
P- Godhood. (turns to smurfs, taking long curved blade from his sleeve) Now I must kill you.

Later, at a press conference, President Julius Ferraro gave away the damning evidence of his evilness with a single quote—“If it doesn’t benefit me, it’s probably illegal.”

… Thus began the dark ages of Spangladesh.
-Special Correspondent Smurfette



11-17-01
La la la la la la rant rant rant la la la yadda yadda la la la

A New Look at Housing:
Earlier today, Vice President Bryan Pirolli was interviewed by special correspondent Leet Panda about the new projects going on in West Spangladesh, an attempt to beautify the area a bit, with some greenery, and a bit less Rhino shit.
This is the interview.

Leet Panda: So, Mr. Vice President, what exactly are you planning to do in West Spangladesh?
Vice President: Well, Leet, we’re no longer planning it. We’ve actually already done it.
LP: Well what have you done then?
VP: We’ve made houses out of marijuana
LP: … Isn’t that somewhat illegal?
VP: Hah! Anywhere but Spangladesh and maybe Cuba it would be, but remember the president’s motto, “If it’s good for me, it’s probably legal.” And we’re thinking this will be very good for our country.
LP: How will this help the country?
VP: Well, first of all, we’re putting a very abundant and valuable natural resource to a good use. And second, the West Spangladeshians will be much more pacifistically-inclined.
LP: Well, that’s all well and good, but what about if there’s a fire?
VP: We’re sort of hoping for one, Leet.

Well, there you have it, West Spangladesh: the government finally trying to make you happy… and sort of dizzy.
-Special Corespondent Leet Panda

Evil In Spangladesh!!
Not that we’re pointing fingers, but we in the president’s office staff (i.e. gay lovers) are outraged!
It seems that all the time that everyone was trying to usurp the president’s authority, there was another evil figure in Spangladesh which we will blame for all the problems so far.
That figure is Larry Dooling, the former Prime Bushek, until Gimpy left us.
The president was hopping up and down in fury in his office once this came to his attention, and slammed many a door in his tantrum. He feels that it is unfair that his entire staff rebelled against him for being evil when all the while Dooling was evil too.
When the Vice President asked him what was the matter, he shouted “If you don’t know I’m not going to tell you!” Then he ran to his room, and shouted down the stairs “You’re ruining my life!” He proceeded to slam the door then cry himself to sleep.
Several officials on the staff have tried to compare his behavior to that of a teenage girl.
They are scheduled for beheading later in the afternoon.

Why Rob Won:
It seems that today, in Prairie Dog Hunting, Rob Kasten won his first game.
Yes, I know, it seems somewhat strange, but he actually won.
After checking my blood alcohol level, I did some quick research to see what might have spawned this strange event.
And I found, still raging in West Spangladesh, a fire, which has consumed all of the marijuana houses for miles around. It seems that the smoke is what caused Rob’s victory. And I will finish writing this article once I get off my high.
Okay, I’m back, and it seems that Deputy Mojo has caught the mysterious arsonist, Joe Kerns, red-handed--- err, not that he has hands… or anything other than a head. Which causes some suspicion about how he could have committed the crime in the first place… but oh well.
He’s scheduled for beheading (again) later this afternoon. How exactly this will happen, we don’t quite know.
-Special Correspondent Smurfette

12-09-01
Okay, I wrote this REALLY long article in school, and it got whipped out because of my damn floppy disk... goddamn floppy disk... ::growls frighteningly, floppy disk trembles in fear:: I really don't feel like writing the whole thing all over again, so I'll just give you the jist of it here.

Feuds In-Office:
Lately, me and Pirolli were fighting, alot. Because he was being a bitch. No, really, it was his fault.
Anyway, we had really long political arguments that went something like this:

Me: Poopy head
Him: Dork butt
Me: Snot-nosed poopy head
Him: Ugly butt
Me: Snot-nosed idiot headed poopy head monkey butt dork-face
Him: Umm... uh... dammit!

They all went something like this, only with different content and I didn't always win.
So, with the good of the island in mind, we decided to solve the problem like level-headed adults.
But, seeing as neither of us is level-headed OR adult, we hired the five most intelligent entities on the island to think of something a level-headed adult might do to solve a problem.
Those five entities were as such- Mojo T. Monkey, Mofo T. Monkey (he really isn't that smart, but he IS smarter than most of the other people on the island), a fish, a superintelligent rock, and the color blue. Each of these entities picked some sort of competition or contest that me and the Vice could do to solve our problem, and then me and the Vice voted on them. These were the five things suggested:

Mojo- Ro-sham-bo
Mofo- Bar fight
Fish- Stareing contest
Rock- Drinking contest
Blue- Pin the tail on the donkey

Ro-sham-bo, for those of you undereducated people out there, is where you take turns kicking eachother in the balls until one of you falls over. Seeing as I, as the president, would get first kick, the Vice said that wasn't a good idea. The Bar fight, although tempting, would not be possible, seeing as there's very little alchohol on the island that isn't consumed by Jose Querns to relieve the pain of being beheaded twice. The Drinking contest, again, wasn't possible. And then pin the tail on the donkey was tried, but every time we tried to rip the tail off of the donkey, it kicked us square in the jaw. So that didn't work too well.
Finally, the stareing contest was decided upon. And of course, I tried to cheat. I have the rights to, also, because my winning is pantimount. And if there is anything around more important than my pride, I want it caught and shot right now.
But then the judges caught me, and by a very unfair rule that says that cheating isn't allowed, I lost by default. And so, as a result, I threw a temper tantrum, executed five spectators, and ordered Jose Querns to be beheaded yet again. Our lead scientists are now working on a way to do that, and in fact to find out how we accomplished doing it twice already.
But at least the feuds are over. I won't fire Pirolli, and he won't be such a bitch anymore.
-Strait from the Pres' Brain to Your Eyes

People Suck:
This article isn't going to have much to do with the island.
It's just gonna talk about how much people suck.
No one in particular, just people. People suck.
And they're stupid too. So easy to lead on.
And there's proof of it right here.
Until you read the last line of this article, you're going to think that something happened to me, and that I have a perfectly good reason to be writing this.
And you won't notice, until now, that this is just because I didn't feel like writing a real article.
-That Sly Julius Kid

PDH Not Rigged:
It seems that I am in 6th place in the PDH league, and I've never been team of the week. Now, I need to ask myself a few questions. First of all, how much does Tom Sabbatelli value his life? And second, how much would the island be crippled by a loss of five or six staff members? And third, why does my team suck so much?
The answers, respectively, are as such: Not much, obviously; not much; apparantly I'm not beating them enough. Maybe if I beat them some more they'll do better.
Anyways, now that our little Q and A session is over (I hope you read that Tom), I'm finally going to introduce my team.
I decided to pick the most athletic people on the island and turn them into my team. They are as follows: Red Monkey, Blue Monkey, Yellow Monkey, Green Monkey, Purple Monkey, and Rock.
Red Monkey is a rather stupid individual, but likes shooting prarie dogs, provided he can find the trigger. Otherwise, the game just turns into a round of wack-a-prarie dog for him. He's actually shot himself a couple times this way, but he heals fast.
Blue Monkey is a bit smarter than Red Monkey, and most of the time doesn't have trouble finding the trigger, and has only shot himself once. Very rarely has he tried to hit the dogs with the butt of the shotgun, but he has tried to eat the shotgun a couple times.
Yellow Monkey is probably the smartest and most strategically minded member of my team. He has great aim, and always shoots at the opposing team instead of the dogs. Unfortunately, lately he has been a tad sick, and this is probably the reason our team hasn't been doing so well since the first few weeks. He's our star player.
Green Monkey gets kicked out of almost every game for using explosives early on. I always tell him to wait until late in the game, but he doesn't listen. But he does score a lot of points, when they aren't confiscated.
Purple Monkey is very small and fast, but tends to get shot by the opposing team a lot. This is because he oftentimes forsakes his trusty double-barrel shotgun and leaps down the holes to use his teeth against the dogs. The only reason he doesn't get shot by his own team also is because we suck.
Rock.
This is our team, and we'll be making a comeback! Actually, I expect sometime around the next beheading to leap ahead in the ranks! You'll see.
-Again, this is the divine word of Julius

01/07/02
YAYYYYYY!!! FINALLY BACK ON LINE!!!!
CEEEELLLLABRATE GOOD TIMES, OH YEAH!
CEEEELLLLABRATE GOOD TIMES, ALL RIGHT!
(some loud distorted sounds that I try to pass off for the other lyrics I don't know)
ummm... errr.... uh... Y, M, C, A!!!!
see, i can do it backwards too!!! A, M, C, Y!!!
errr... dammit.
oh well

the point is that I'm back online, and FINALLY able to update!
I've got a story below explaining sort of what happened with my comp, and I think it's sorta amusing. It's in the form of a soap opera. But here, there's some interesting stuff down there too, besides that.

Announcing the Rigged Election 2002!!
Hey, its your prez here, and I'm announcing the Rigged Election 2002!!! and it will bring with it something great, something magical, something that only a renewed Presidency can handle. You'll find out what it is when the election is over.
Anyway, I'm inviting anyone on the island to run for the presidency in the Rigged Election '02. So far, here's the list of people running:

President Vice President
Ferraro Pirolli
Mr. Talkie Zalewski
Ghost of Ted Rielly D'Agostino
Panda Smurfette

Anyway, this aught to be interesting. I'm hoping to get a FEW more people running, tho... wow, I've almost convinced myself it wasn't rigged! How silly of me!
-Your President

Spangladeshian Christmas Carol Finished, a Bit Late:
I finished the Carol and sent it out... anyone who didn't get it, its because I don't have ur email addy. If you want it and you didn't get it, just email me at Caesar_Gecko@yahoo.com. Then I'll send you the Carol. It's actually pretty long.
-Your President

Long Long List of Stuff I Thought was Funny and Wanted to Steal Off of Other Peoples' Sites but Didn't Have the Balls To: Well, if I didn't have the balls then I couldn't very well put them here? Oh well, here's a phrase to keep you weak-minded people for a while:
Monkey with a Stick
Okay, now that I've evaded having to write a REAL article, I'm a-goin'

Oh yeah, a Comment on Losing in the PDHL:
Well, we lost. But we tried our hardest. So what, if our players killed more players than actual praire dogs...
Well, here's our game plan for next season
I'm gonna train my monkeys to use actual shotguns, and fire at the holes
And also, I'm gonna send huge truckfuls of money to Tom's house, as a little friendly "donation" to the PDHL...
Also, I'm gonna change the name of my team.
Oh well, thats about it. 'Night all
-That Julius Kid

01/19/02

Pilgrimage:
EVERYONE—
And I mean EVERYONE—
Is having some sort of pilgrimage.
Well, maybe just Kev and Tom.
But I decided to jump on the bandwagon and visit....
::drumroll, feeling of suspence::
Wow, this is one of those times when you're just sitting on the edge of your seat, isn't it?
Scenic MEXICO!!! ::trumpet fanfare, but it quickly dies::
Okay, so it's sort of second-rate. And it's cheap. And I had to bribe the people at the border with Marijuana in order to get across. But still, it's better than nothing.
Also, in order to keep some people happy, I decided to bring a few random people with me.
Now just give me a second to decide who those people are.
Ummm... the first person is someone that isn't really on the island, but is sitting next to me and has been waiting for a cameo, ever since I didn't let him be Tiny Tim, for the sake of abusing Stroobie. So, I took Wilhelm with me.
Second... Larry, not because he's important or anything, but he's possessed by the devil, and neither of them have had much air time for a while. Besides, I wouldn't mind seeing the devil come down to Mexico. That place sucks anyway.
Then Stroobie. This way I can insult her, then run really fast, because she can't catch me on her stumpy legs.
And lastly, but not leastly, Courtney. Because she hasn't had much airtime.
If I was at home, I would be playing Castle Wolfenstien. Kill the Nazis, yaaaaarg!
Sorry.
Anyway, so I’m going on this pilgrimage to Mexico, and I’m bringing Will, Larry, Stroobie, Courtney, and Beelzebub. Yup, this aught to be interesting.
So I decided to use a Spangladeshian Air charter flight Bad idea. It crashlanded before we got more than ten feet off the ground. I’m not quite sure how, but it somehow made a beeline for the Air Control Tower we don’t have. Then I realized why—apparently, the plane won’t fly itself once I lift it off. Well, there’s another life lesson for ya.
Anyway, once we all get out of our casts, we get into an Ameritran flight, and buckle down for the ride. It was great, except for the kid that kept hitting me in the head with his twizzler, and the really fat Albanian women on either side of me, and the fact that the food consisted mainly of monkey doody. And the fact that Beelzebub kept eating people. Yeah, that ticked me off pretty badly.
Anyway, once we get off in Mexico, and regain our balance after the first whiff of Mexican air—it has a sort of slimy texture… I never knew air could have a texture before—we went strait to our motel. I figured they would give me presidential accommodations, but instead we had this second rate room that was falling apart and had only one bed. But at least we didn’t have to fight over it—it seemed that the cockroaches had already claimed it. And the rest of the room. We camped out on the roof. Beelzebub slept with the cockroaches, though, it seemed that he had a history with their chieftain.
So, while we were freezing to death on the roof, and were being bitten to death by massive mosquitoes that resembled government helicopters and traveled in packs, we also realized that we didn’t have any food. We didn’t dare buy any food in Mexico, because God knows what they put in it. I mean, if they put in just half the stuff we tried to slip into their food that time their president visited us…
So, we decided to tough it out for the night, then catch a flight back. But it seemed that the motel didn’t appreciate us sleeping on the roof, and it displayed this anger by caving in. I grabbed Will by the collar and Courtney by the wrist and ran from the scene of the crime. I figured that Beelzebub could take care of himself. So now, in the middle of the night, we were stranded in a desert-like area located somewhere in Mexico. (Author’s note—there probably aren’t any deserts in Mexico, but it fits the story so shut the hell up) (Author’s note—if you hold both shifts, then you still get a capital letter. Shouldn’t it be lowercase?)
So we wandered for a bit, and I began to wonder what we were going to do if we couldn’t find anything to eat? Then I wondered, what happens with a pilgrimage when the writer runs out of ideas? Does it just end? Does the author write some sort of apology at the end, or just not publish it? Or does he try to pass it off as having forgotten what he was doing, after going off on some wild tangent? Would he just pick a random topic that almost flows, then write about five or six lines on it, then suddenly say something like, “Where was I?” Oh well, it wasn’t really pertinent to the situation.
… Where was I?
I think I was talking about monkeys. I usually am, you know, so it’s an easy topic to fall back on. I think monkeys are funny, and should be used in most parodies. Like a parody of Grease. It should have a gooey love story, attack ninjas, the Lollipop Guild, monkeys flinging their doody at the audience, and the main feature should be hot pants. Mmmmm, hot pants.
Did I mention that I might be writing a parody about Grease? And it’ll have a gooey love story, attack ninjas, the Lollipop Guild, monkeys flinging their doody at the audience, and the main feature will be hot pants. Wilhelm and me will be writing it. Maybe I should give him a position on the island. He can be the new puppet prez or something.
Oh well. So what was this article about again? Oh yeah, kazoos. I like kazoos, although they should be stricken from the world of professional music. I mean, if you tell someone that you’re a musician, and they ask what you play, and you say the kazoo, they might feel forced to mercy kill you. And that’s why Dr. Kevorkian is in jail now. And why Joe Kerns is a total loser.
Sooooo, back on the topic of monkeys. They’re great. I think someone should write a book just about monkeys. Almost like planet of the apes, only a book. And it wouldn’t be planet of the apes.
So anyway, back to the pilgrimage. We were trekking through Mexico, and there was a desert that didn’t belong there, and I realized that we weren’t really in Mexico—we were on the Planet of the Apes! Only it had bad actors and black and white filming like the first one, and a crappy ending like the new one. And the monkeys, you can just tell they aren’t monkeys, just guys in suits… their zippers show! But I have a monkey, and Larry is there, but Beelzebub is chasing Stroobie around on her stumpy legs, which for some reason get just as much recognition on the island as Stroobie herself gets.
My monkey runs out and steals one of the other monkeys’ guns, and gives it to me. So I start shooting at random things because the gun is really big and lots of fun, and after a while I realize that it has a rocket launcher. And they’re lots of fun.
So now the monkeys are in swat uniforms, and they come and arrest Larry and Wilhelm because, well, because they’re short, and easily subdued. And I have this really big gun. I take my gun, and Courtney, and Stroobie, and my monkey, and get into the space shuttle. I leave Beelzebub to take care of Larry and Wilhelm, and shoot off for Spangladesh.
Halfway there, the shuttle becomes an Ameritran airplane, and the kid with the twizzler and the two large Albanian women are there again, and my gun and my monkey aren’t. But Larry, Beelzebub, and Wilhelm are. It’s a fair trade… I guess…
But that gun had a ROCKET LAUNCHER.
Sigh. Oh well.
Wasn’t that sort of like Alice in Wonder Land? Only without her annoying all-too-perfect accent. And without the trippy butter-flies.
Oh well, now we’re back, and all’s well that ends well, right?

-That Julius Kid

Shocking!
In a shocking event earlier today, the current President Julius Ferraro herded all of the other presidential candidates into a large conference hall. He, Stroobie, Wyrauch, Talkie, Panda, and Rielly sat around a wide table, while Pirolli, Stroobie, a Blivit, Zalewski, Smurfette, and D'Agostino waited outside, listening through 6 conveniently placed listening holes in the wall.
Ferraro, frustratedly, began his speech.
"Okay, now, four of you have made history today." Mr. Talkie fell out of his chair, and from outside the hall a Blivit let out a high-pitched wail, in a way that only a Blivit can.
Ferraro paused. "Do you want to know what that bit of history was?" The people around the table nodded unsurely. "Okay. Now, today, four of you have..."
Insert dramatic pause. Panda got ready to bolt.
"Four of you make the Director of Stupidity look... smart." He covered his face in his hands. Rielly blushed a ghostly blush, and Stroobie scratched her head confusedly, trying to figure out if this was a good thing. Wyrauch screamed out, suddenly, "Woohoo! You guys suck! Hahaha!" At this point, Mr. Talkie actually cried.
"Now, there's this simple little thing called a platform. It's something that all presidential candidates need. When one is going to become a president, one needs a platform. It's quite simple, really. So," he said, suddenly screaming to drown out the sound of a Blivit's victory wail, "four of you are immediately disqualified. The primaries are being skipped. The election is now between me and Wyrauch.
"Woohoo!" shouted the DOS. "And I thought I was stupid! Haha!"
No one pointed and laughed.

A Pointless Little Thing About Boredom:
I discovered something today, while watching Wow Wow Wiggle Wobble Wozzie Woodle Woo. I fell asleep-- now, don't get me wrong, I don't usually fall asleep during such mind excursions as WWWWWWW, but today I was really tired.
Well, I awoke to my left hand trying to kill my right hand. It's a good thing I'm right handed. At that moment I decided that I must have multiple personalities, and the one embodying my left hand likes to kill things, such as my right hand. Well, I decided...
Oow Eldoow Eizzow Elzzow Elggiw Wow Wow.
Sorry, Wilhelm wanted to know what happens when I spell that backwards. EEEEWW.
So, to get back to what I was talking about, I decided to find out exactly what else my left hand was up to during its spare time, but right after I found out what, indeed, this guy could do with mashed potatoes.
Well, when the movie was over, I got up and walked to my room, where I found many death threats to my right hand posted on the walls. I was about to decide this was enough evidence, then I realized that this was just some things that I did last night when I was bored, and couldn't find the Wow Wow Wiggle Wobble Wozzie Woodle Woo.
So I continued my search. I found myself in Joe Kerns' room of the Pink House. This was interesting, because there were many such notes, only they not only pertained to my right hand, but to the rest of my body as well. Seeing as this gave me no further clues as to the plots of my left hand, I continued my search elsewhere.
Then I got really bored and decided to write an update. If I get bored again, I might finish my search, then write an update about that too, but I probably won't. So, bye.
-That Julius Kid

01/23/02
Closing the elections:
The presidential elections have been closed. Later today will be the ceremony placing the crown of presidency onto my... err, the winner's... head once again. Thank you for your votes and your time.

01/22/02
A Message From the Duck:
This is a special correspondent letter sent to me from Animal Oddifier Michael Zalewski. As it pertains to yesterday's update, I'm putting it up.

Some of the things "i" said were said by kev. Some of the things i actually said u substuted with different names. And since when have i had a government house. I was living inside a whale under the city. And what was this about getting paid. I don't remember getting any. Oh well. And remember, fear the giant garden slug. ::moves eyes back and forth while evil music plays in the background::....mwa ha ha...::moves eyes::

01/15/02
Update with a Point But no Real Title #1

This is something that was sent to me from a person whose identity I will keep secret.
Okay, this in response to Tom Sabbatelli's update. As an answer to the question posed in the update: because God painted it that way.
That took some extensive research into the topic, or just some badgering of my father. Here are a few more questions I'd like answered.
Does God have feet?
And since the French stick their noses into the air, do they trip God?
How do lamps work?
How should I run my country so that people don't hate me?
If you have the answers to these questions, could you please e-mail me at GeorgeWBush@daddiesboy.gov.
-That Julius Kid

01/21/02
Campaign Project #1:
Okay, seeing as the voting is going on, I’m going to go into my campaign as president. This was originally delivered in front of a board meeting of most of the staff members of Spangladesh, Michael Zalewski and Kevin Wyrauch presiding.

Julius: I’m going to show you all why you should vote for me in the upcoming elections.
Mike: They’re already going on.
Kevin: That’s true.
Julius: … shut up both of you. (gets out little graph) Okay, I’m going to show you why I’m better than Kevin and a Blivit. (thinks for a bit, looking at the narrow strip of pink cardboard with nothing written on it that is his visual aid) Okay, I’m going to do it in a linear graph kinda thing… although the whole thing really isn’t linear in reality.
Mike: then why did you say linear?
Julius: well, it really fans out into this massive graph-kinda thing. But to cut down on costs all I have is a narrow strip of pink cardboard with nothing written on it. So I’m knocking it down to something linear.
Mike: oooo okay… you can stop there.
Julius: Okay. Here it is then. First, there’s God, or whatever superpowerful being(s) you happen to believe in. Next, there’s me… then most of creation… then there’s all of you… then the monoatomic life forms of earth.
(long, awkward pause as this information sinks in)
Julius: Also, it should be known that some monoatmoic life forms go in that third group. Now do you all understand?
Kevin: Oh shut up Julius.
Julius: Heh. I take it by your impertinence that you don’t. You see, the slug, for example, goes above you guys. It’s really quite easy once you get the hang of it.
Mike: So you’re saying that you’re more important than, say, Pirolli, your “equal”?
Kevin: Or more importantly, me?
Julius: No, not really. He’s just not mentioned. Actually, he’s a tad bit below me.
Mike: He doesn’t exist then.***
Julius: I told you I sacrificed some aspects of the real world in order to make it fit on a narrow strip of pink cardboard with nothing written on it. Weren’t you listening?
Kevin: …
Julius: I’ll take that as a no.
Mike: So aren’t we supposed to try to kill everything above us?
Julius: Yes. But that’s why I have the rights to squish you.. Besides, you couldn’t kill us. God(s) is invulnerable. I am just really really cool. Pirolli is almost as cool. And I really find it hard to believe that any of you could match wits with, say, the average slug.
(everyone in the room looks around guiltily)
Kevin: I could match wits with a fire hydrant
Julius: That’s… that’s great Kev… But seeing as it really isn’t a conscious being…
Kevin: That’s what they want you to think.
Julius: Okay, I’m only going to talk to Mike now. Because Kevin is making me want to cry. ***
Mike: How much thought did you actually put into this?
Julius: Actually, I’m making it up as I go along.

So there’s my first campaign project. Next project—the Top Ten Reasons I’m Better Than You!

It should be known that after all of this Mike rejected my idea for an electrified Super Mario Bros. Medly cover. Damn him…

***It should be known that all the time between the two triple asterisks, Mike is mumbling about killing everyone with garden slugs. Most of it is undistinguishable from the garble of the teacher on Peanuts, and all of it is inane. I did not list it because, if understood, it could make the average 13-85 year old human being with a soul break down in tears at the looming fate of the human race. I’ll… try to talk to him about sparing us… and if he doesn’t agree, then I call the movie rights afterwards.

Taxes:
Today, I’ve decided to institute a sort of… funding… for the government. It’s a trial sort of thing, but I’m hoping it works out well.
I call it taxes.
I’m going to tax all of you. Every last person/being on the island. For 1.5 grand per day. I figure, hey, I may not be president for much longer (HA!), so let’s see how much income I can squeeze out of the last few days of being a ruling power. Well, see you at the end of the day, when you give me the check.
-That Julius President

Downsizing:
That tax idea didn’t work out too well. So, seeing as we are very deep in the red, I’m going to downsize!
Now, I realize that you are paid wages for your work. I also realize that none of you do anything whatsoever. But there are a few of you whose jobs can’t even be passed off as worth my hard-earned illegally printed money.
So, each of the following will be dropped from my payroll, and kicked out of all government housing. All stock options, health-care, and grants will be cancelled as well. Any benefits will be declared either negligible or nonexistent. Here is the list: Everyone except for me and the monkeys. Heh. I think that’s funny. A monkey—no, two monkeys, one of which can’t even talk—is more valuable than all of you put together. Heh.
But as a parting gift, each of you will be granted a complementary cardboard box to live in, and a pet rock—clean up after your rock. It’s the law.

03/06/02
Very Important Notice:
It seems that, due to certain actions of a certain Staff member, some things about the island have been drastically warped. Yes, that's right. When Michael Zalewski created his team, it was innocent enough. But what he didn't realize was that, on the island, there is no North-South or East-West!
And thusly, the island underwent a cataclysmic transformation (although all but the most perceptive of you might not have noticed), so that now it looks sort of like this:

Yes, Ray Charles. This cataclysm of rock, sand, and the occasional rhino created this formation completely at random-- or is it a sign from the heavens? I think it is. Is Ray Charles truly dead? Is he even thought to be dead in the first place? I really don't know. But perhaps, perhaps, there is some power out there in the universe which is telling us that he is, in some way, still alive within all of us.
Ray Charles: 19?? - Present?

Larry—Pro-Choice?
Prime Bushek Larry Dooling, unbeknownst by the other government officials, has in fact been pregnant for the previous three months with the daughter of Beelzebub himself.
When asked how this happened, he merely replied that “There is absolutely no possibility of this being my child.” When questioned how, in fact, he became pregnant with a child that wasn’t his, he asked the reporter how he surmised he had gotten pregnant in the first place. The reporter babbled, then repeated the question back to Dooling. Dooling proceeded in showing the reporter the uvula growing out of his neck. In utter revulsion, the reporter was forced to commit seppuku on the spot.
Later in the day, Larry was seen coming out of an abortion clinic. What exactly he was doing in there is unknown, but Beelzebub was seen throwing temper tantrums and killing people downtown. Mofo and Mojo responded to the call, but upon seeing the scene they turned around and ran like little girls. The casualties will be dumped into a dirty pit and covered in rancid meat in a rushed ceremony later today.
This reporter believes that Larry has gotten an abortion, and Beelzebub wasn’t exactly happy about this. How exactly this was done is still unknown, but experts will get to it as soon as they’re done figuring out the causes of the great Cataclysm.

Joe Camel Missing, New Camel Wanted:
The title of this article pretty much sums it up. Joe Camel is missing, and the cause of this is still not known. It is assumed that he was sucked into the ocean when the island was reformed, or was killed in the riots downtown by Beelzebub. Actually, nobody seems to care… the coming of a new Camel, however, is imperative.
According to Island Law, then no day can go past without a Camel in the government where A) a piece of a head is beheaded, B) someone is flung off of a building, or C) a staff member who was once flung off a building is resurrected and then flung off of a building.
So, we resurrected Ted.
We needed Larry’s help in this, as we don’t have Gimpy around anymore to perform the impossible. Although it’s not really within his lawful powers to do so, we had Larry resurrect Ted’s slowly decaying corpse against his own will, and then we flung Ted off of a rather tall building.
We did it again, just for effect.
And again.
And again.
I see a new sport blooming.
-Special Correspondent Smurfette